Friday, August 29, 2014
I have to be honest, when I first wrote this post, it wasn't called "How to Fix Your Child's Bad Behavior RIGHT NOW", it was called "How to get closer to your child RIGHT NOW". But I thought the bad behavior one would get more parents to look at it and possibly click on it and read it, and well, honestly, if you do one, you will most definitely get the other.
My mantra about punishment, discipline and consequences has always been that when a child throws a tantrum or misbehaves, they are communicating an unmet need they have, and as parents, it is our job to find out what that need is, show them that we understand, and do our best to meet it. That means taking their big feelings in turn without losing our cool. It means understanding that they aren’t lashing out because they hate us or want to manipulate us. It means first looking inward at how we are parenting, before turning outward at what they did wrong. But sometimes we need help.
My mantra about punishment, discipline and consequences has always been that when a child throws a tantrum or misbehaves, they are communicating an unmet need they have, and as parents, it is our job to find out what that need is, show them that we understand, and do our best to meet it. That means taking their big feelings in turn without losing our cool. It means understanding that they aren’t lashing out because they hate us or want to manipulate us. It means first looking inward at how we are parenting, before turning outward at what they did wrong. But sometimes we need help.
I will share with you some terms and ideas I’ve learned from parenting books I really like that have taught me a lot about bad behavior. The first is from Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham, and it is the idea that our relationship with our kids is like a bank account. The more you deposit, the larger it gets. The more you withdraw (without steady deposits to replenish) the lower the balance will go, until it eventually goes into the red. Overdrawn! So the deposits you make with your kids are things like love, laughing and overall positive interactions. The more love, affection and encouragement you give your kids, the higher your balance will be. This is what we want! However, repeated negative interactions, like yelling, fighting, time-outs, telling them NO and scolding them all the time, will cause that bank account to go right into the red. When your bank account goes into the red, your child’s behavior will suffer. They feel dejected, like a disappointment. Everything they do is wrong!
This is where your awesome skills of being in control of your own emotions come in. You can come to their rescue by staying calm, rather than yelling. Oh, you don’t have that? Pffffffft! You’re a shit parent then. HA! Just kidding. Do any of us, really? Just try. Do your best to keep your cool. Focus on having more loving, positive interactions than negative. In the end, do you want your bank account to break even at $0.00? Or do you want it to be as BIG as possible? I don’t know about you, but I want to be Oprah-rich. Right now, I’m kind of like Rob Schneider’s booking agent-rich. It may seem impossible to outnumber your negative interactions with positive ones, but the harder you work to stay calm and ride out the storm of your child’s emotions, the more you are depositing into that bank account, thus improving that behavior. By depositing more than you need to break even, It’s like you’re making an investment into their future behavior. Oh, snap! That was pretty good, not gonna lie. Just made that up two seconds ago.
The second term I want to talk about comes from that same book and author, and the idea is of the “emotional backpack.” Consider how you feel at the end of a tough day. Exhausted, stressed out, anxious, worried about money, time or family obligations. Now picture finally being able to sit down and talk to your partner, or even a friend, and they start yelling at you, or they act irritated by something you did or said and totally blow you off. Here you were looking forward to being able to relax and unload on someone important to you, and now there is MORE stressed added on! You were carrying an emotional backpack, filled to the brim, and now it’s overflowing! You will likely go to bed very stressed and upset. You might even lash out at the next person you talk to. The same thing happens to your kids! Here is a great quote from Ahaparenting.com:
“Kids are no different than the rest of us. If you want a child's behavior to change, you have to make it safe for them to show you the tears and fears that are driving their behavior. Once their feelings are "heard," they can move on. Otherwise, those hurts stay clenched inside, stored in what we might think of as an emotional backpack. They come bubbling up whenever your child suffers even a small disappointment.”
You have to let your kids vent their frustrations, sadness, anxiety, worry, stress, anger, or anything else, without interrupting or trying to distract, without judgment, without jumping in to offer advice and most importantly, without negating or discounting their feelings (You’re not really sad, you’re just tired!). Think of how you would want to be talked to if you needed to vent. Practice being an active listener. Most of the time, all they need is to say it to someone out loud, and it helps them work through the feelings and start feeling better.
The last term I want to talk about is essentially the same thing as the previous two, but just another way to say it. It’s from The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp, and it’s called “feeding the meter.” I am sure you understand parking meters. The more coins you put into that meter, the longer you have to enjoy that parking spot and you won’t get a ticket! Woot! The same goes with little ones. You keep inserting those happy and funny moments into their day, and you get to keep enjoying their sweet personalities and remembering why you wanted to have kids in the first place.
Now that I have put those terms and ideas out there, I can tell you that the more energy you put into them, the better your child’s behavior will be. So, without further ado, here are some wonderful, easy ways you can feed the meter, deposit into your relationship’s bank account, or unload that emotional backpack:
- Give hugs. Easy! Randomly give your child hugs to remind them that no matter how terrible the day has gone, how much they pissed you off or acted like an asshole (see my last post) you still love them so very much. Virginia Satir said “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” Try to remember that throughout your day with your child.
- Have an impromptu dance party. In your living room, in your kitchen while you’re making breakfast, before bath time. Even if it’s just 5 minutes. Try to teach each other different dances. I hear the Juggalos have some good ones. Which reminds me, I’ve got this really legit slithering, snake-like move I am just DYING to try at the next wedding we go to.
- Give them a massage. As someone who didn’t have a lot of affection growing up (sniff sniff, I know shut up) things like this seem foreign to me. From The Happiest Toddler on the Block: “A nightly massage is a precious gift to your child. It soothes muscles, boosts immunity, prepares for sleep and teaches gentleness and intimacy. (And as an extra bonus, giving a massage automatically lowers your stress, anxiety and depression.)” A recent study also showed lab rats who received regular loving strokes and massages from their mother actually turned out smarter than their counterparts who had less affectionate mothers. SO THERE’S ALWAYS THAT. BOOM.
- Make up stories together. Kids LOVE hearing stories, and love even more when you make them up. Not everyone is a storyteller, though. Some of us totally suck at it. But you can do it with your kids, who have the most active and amazing imaginations, and when you do it together, it’s a great way to bond and have a lot of laughs at the same time. “Once upon a time there was a little…[child interjects: BUNNY WITH FLUFFY EARS!] and he was playing with his friend, the….[SILLY SANTA CLAUS!] And fall into fits of giggles. Oh, did I mention giggling is one of the BEST ways for kids to reduce stress, lower anxiety and empty that emotional backpack? Yup! By the way, my kids’ version of the story would have been “Once upon a time, there was a little [TURD], and he was playing with his friend, the [NASTY TOOTH]…and he farted on someone and they rode off into a pug’s butt…” We are a charming family.
- Write them a note. Getting mail and messages as a kid is exciting. When I was a kid, we passed notes in school, and getting a note was the best feeling. Now, they probably just text, but whatever! Write a simple note telling them something you like about them or something you’re looking forward to doing with them and slip it under their door, or set it next to one of their toys to find later as a surprise. Bonus points if you put it in an envelope and write their name on the front.
- Take turns telling jokes. Come up with some of your best. Bring out the big guns. I’m talking how do you make a tissue dance-good. Need ideas? Check out this link of gems: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/schooljokes/kidjokes.html And LAUGH at their jokes! Show them that you think they are clever and funny, even when they tell you something terrible. I recently watched an episode of Louie, where his daughter told this winner: “Who told the gorilla that he couldn’t go to the ballet?” Who? “Just the people who are in charge of that decision.”
The idea behind all of it is that it will not only improve their behavior, but bring you closer to them. As I said above, I was going to title this post “Ways to get closer to your child RIGHT NOW”, but I thought it would be a less attractive heading than “How to Fix Bad Behavior RIGHT NOW”, because honestly, what feels more pressing? What feels like it’s literally overwhelming us every second of every day?
Welp, that’s all I am going into right now. I hope that you find that some of these help you both manage your child’s behavior and improve your relationship with them. Parenting is hard, but it shouldn’t make us miserable. I believe in you. And so I will leave you with these words of wisdom:
