Thursday, August 8, 2013
Raising a little girl
is a tough job. After 2 laid-back, fun-loving little boys, I find myself
quite unprepared in my new role as mommy to a baby girl. In the 6 months we’ve
had K, every parenting theory I’ve ever had has been turned completely on its
head. John Wilmot said: “Before I got married I had six theories about raising
children; now, I have six children and no theories.” We all have strong convictions
about what kind of parent we will be until the day the kid is born, and then
everything gets thrown out the window in favor of simply doing what works. In
truth, K’s relentless whining and constant need to be held only by mommy has me
wondering why the hell I didn’t appreciate how awesome my boys were at her age.
But I digress. This post is not
about the difficulty of raising kids, or even more specifically: the difficulty
of raising girls. This is actually about one very small difficulty in a myriad of
difficulties that parents face whilst raising girls – and I am barely
scratching the surface at that. Girls have
significant challenges they face regarding their identity as a woman;
challenges that begin very young. Putting your newborn in pink or blue
symbolizes the gender they identify with. Rather, the one you want them to identify with, because
their sex – which is not the same thing as gender – is [usually] associated
with one gender more than the other. (i.e. if he has a penis, you’re probably
putting him in blue.) Here is an interesting article about a couple who didn’t
reveal the gender of their baby until it was close to 5, in hopes that friends,
family and society wouldn’t place unnecessary gender stereotypes on him
it. Whoops. I spoiled it. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/21/couple-reveals-sex-of-child-raised-gender-neutral_n_1220719.html
There are
many different motivators for this post. I think primarily, the significance of
raising a little girl has been setting in, and honestly, it’s starting to freak
me out a little bit. I consider my own self-esteem issues and the causes and
triggers of it, plus the issues of other women I have interacted with or read
about, and it’s made me realize the gravity of the job ahead of me. This job
isn’t mine alone, either, but also Steve, her two brothers, uncles,
grandparents…everyone she will ever interact with will play a role in the woman
she becomes. So my question to myself is: What kind of woman do I want her to
become? That’s easy. I want the same thing every parent wants for their
daughter. I want her to be strong, confident, intelligent and hardworking. I
want her to be curious and kind, and see wonder in the world around her. I want
her to have integrity and a social conscious and resilience. Most of all, I
want her to be happy. So my next question is this: What messages should I be
sending to my daughter to instill all those qualities (without changing any
unique characteristics she already encompasses)?
Not an easy
question to answer, and as I type this I realize that it will very clearly not
be answered in one post. (Maybe not in a million.) So I suppose I will make
that question the subject matter of a series of blog posts, if not
consecutively. I may want to write about something else next time (I’m reading
several books right now I am just dying to talk about), but let’s say every
time I run into a new issue or tidbit or anecdote I find interesting, I will
try and blog about it and its relation to answering the question above.
The first
topic I am discussing is the idea of telling little girls they are pretty. Have
you ever told a 5 year-old she was pretty? Have you ever admired a little
girl’s dress, or her cute pig tails or pretty hair ribbon? Of course you have. We
all have. One of the best things about having a little girl (in my opinion) is
getting to dress her up and do her hair with pretty bows and giant flowers and
admiring how freakin’ adorable she looks. Walking by the little girls section
in clothing stores was hell until a year ago, when we found out we were finally
having our little girl. Now, walking by those areas are great, until I walk out
with about $100 less in my bank account. So yeah, I love dressing K up in
skirts and hearts and putting flower head bands in her hair. I love when people
comment about her clothes and how stinkin’ cute she looks. Unfortunately, I
have to make sure that this love of fashion and looking adorable or pretty does
not become the center of her identity. Girls (and women) love hearing they look
pretty; unfortunately, we are living in a society where for women, being pretty
is valued above all else, and this is a huge problem in regards to self-esteem
and how a woman values herself. And evidently, this myriad of problems that
encompass body issues, self-worth and confidence can start as early as birth
with one little phrase: You are so pretty.
Sounds
harmless, right? Maybe not. Here are two posts by women (one a parent, and one
not) pleading with people not to tell little girls they are pretty.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/10083124/Dont-tell-your-daughter-she-is-beautiful-parents-told.html
For the sake
of TL;DR or “Don’t make me open up a new tab, you a-hole”, here is how I
translated the articles: Constantly fawning over how beautiful a little girl is
– not okay. Complimenting a little girl on her clothes more often than her
achievements or interests – not okay. This type of behavior socializes girls to
think that the one thing that is valued first and most by people is their
appearance. It may sound silly to you, but this sort of thing is something
small that contributes to all of the body issues that girls face; issues that last
throughout their lifetimes. When we make the decision to place value on how
someone looks over their personality, abilities or interests, it reduces them to
a one-dimensional being with everything else being secondary. You (or I, or we, I'm not placing blame on anyone specifically)
are showing her that her value is tied into the way she looks, and that
maximizing that value only comes from the praise and compliments from others.
Young girls
already have a lot of body issues to contend with that start far too early in
their lives. People are shocked that girls as young as 8 have eating disorders
or dislike their own bodies, but with the heavy emphasis society places on how
a woman looks, it’s no surprise that they are receiving the message
early and reacting quickly.
One might contend that telling your daughter she is beautiful boosts her self-esteem. I completely agree – everyone
should tell their daughter she is beautiful, everyone should teach her to love
herself and her body no matter she looks - but we have to consider where the
idea of “beauty” is coming from. Are we equating her beauty to
whatever dress or hair accessory she is wearing at the time? That is not the
type of self-esteem we want to give young girls. Their beauty shouldn’t be tied to something
superficial, nor should we go out of our way to gush over how beautiful her
clothes or hair look – this is the wrong type
of self-esteem, one that causes nasty problems for women down the road.
I know many
of you may be thinking about what a hypocrite I seem like. The woman who has
waited 6 years for her little girl, the one who posts the pictures of her baby
in pink tutus, dresses and frilly ribbons and bows. Yes, I LOVE pink tulle and
adorable head bands….and YES, I am also a proud feminist, but I have said before
that the terms 'feminist' and 'feminine' are NOT mutually exclusive, so I really
don’t think that makes me a hypocrite. I can dress my daughter, or myself for
that matter, in the prettiest most “girly” clothes imaginable, and that does
not make me any less of a feminist, or care any less about changing the stigma
associated with girls’ bodies and their self-images. Personally, I don’t
believe the problem lies within simply complimenting girls on the way they
look, I think the issue is only complimenting
girls on the way they look, or indicating a little girl’s looks are the first thing you notice about her. I
don’t think that taking all of the pink and frilly clothing out of K’s life
will make the difference between loving and hating herself later in life.
You may say to me “Well if you don’t want her complimented for her looks, then maybe you shouldn’t go out of your way trying to make her look cute!” or “Why wear those clothes if you aren’t looking for compliments?” Ugh. This sentiment reminds me of a very different situation in which we tell a girl that if she doesn’t want to get raped, she shouldn’t wear revealing clothing. NO – we need to take responsibility for our own thoughts and actions. I should be able to dress my daughter in whatever I want, and I shouldn’t have to shoulder the blame for her low self-esteem because the only thing YOU notice about her is her clothes. I love every single little facet and nuance of her personality, and I will be working my butt off to make sure that although her clothes (which reflect MY taste, by the way, not her's) are cute, they are about the last thing on the list of important things about her. The problem is, I think, that society values looks above all else in women, and encourages them to take care of those before anything else. (Though I think we are finally starting to realize our mistake.)
You may say to me “Well if you don’t want her complimented for her looks, then maybe you shouldn’t go out of your way trying to make her look cute!” or “Why wear those clothes if you aren’t looking for compliments?” Ugh. This sentiment reminds me of a very different situation in which we tell a girl that if she doesn’t want to get raped, she shouldn’t wear revealing clothing. NO – we need to take responsibility for our own thoughts and actions. I should be able to dress my daughter in whatever I want, and I shouldn’t have to shoulder the blame for her low self-esteem because the only thing YOU notice about her is her clothes. I love every single little facet and nuance of her personality, and I will be working my butt off to make sure that although her clothes (which reflect MY taste, by the way, not her's) are cute, they are about the last thing on the list of important things about her. The problem is, I think, that society values looks above all else in women, and encourages them to take care of those before anything else. (Though I think we are finally starting to realize our mistake.)
This link is a
great example of the differences between women and men and what society thinks
are important questions to ask them: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/02/hillary-clinton-style_n_791358.html
TL;DR, here
is the quick transcript of an interview with Hilary Clinton:
MODERATOR 1: People always touch some personality of
Hillary Clinton. We have some - not just silly questions, but (inaudible) -
SECRETARY CLINTON: Oh, I've never been asked a
silly question in my entire life. (Laughter.)
[...]
MODERATOR 1: Okay. Which designers do you
prefer?
SECRETARY CLINTON: What designers of clothes?
MODERATOR 1: Yes.
SECRETARY CLINTON: Would you ever ask a man that
question? (Laughter.) (Applause.)
MODERATOR 1: Probably not. Probably not.
(Applause.)
This question probably seemed completely
harmless when the interviewer decided to ask it. Perhaps they thought that she
would delightedly gush about how “she just loves Kate Spade, but you know you
can never go wrong with a simple Ann Taylor pants suit," and they could move back to something more important, like um, her job. Luckily, Hilary was
confident enough to call them out, and subsequently spoke about women needing
to overcome yet another hurdle that men do not should they wish “to succeed in
today’s world.”
Here is another example about the different
types of respect men and women receive, even when they are characters in the
same movie: http://blogs.indiewire.com/womenandhollywood/cross-post-quote-of-the-day-scarlett-johansson-tired-of-sexist-diet-questions
TL;DR wrap
up: Overheard at a press conference for The Avengers movie:
Reporter:
“I have a question to Robert and to Scarlett. Firstly to Robert, throughout Iron Man 1 and 2, Tony Stark started
off as a very egotistical character but learns how to fight as a team. And so
how did you approach this role, bearing in mind that kind of maturity as a
human being when it comes to the Tony Stark character, and did you learn
anything throughout the three movies that you made?
“And to Scarlett, to get into
shape for Black Widow did you have anything special to do in terms of the diet,
like did you have to eat any specific food, or that sort of thing?”
Scarlett: “How come you get the
really interesting existential question, and I get the like, “rabbit food”
question?”
Sure it seems like a stretch.
How can telling a little girl she looks pretty cause the complete societal
meltdown and oppression of hard-working, professional women who want to be
taken seriously? Context. As I said, there are a multitude of attitudes and
behaviors throughout society that have molded each woman’s own identity, and
small things like that can add up and contribute to major consequences.
Maybe when she walked in the door, she couldn’t wait to sit down and tell you about the book she is currently reading. Maybe she wants to show you a beautiful drawing she did or tell you about her recent trip to the zoo. If you get more excited about how cute her hair looks as soon as you see her rather than things she is interested in, what kind of message are you sending about what is important in life? Why not take that comment on her dress and store it away for a while? Let her take the lead and decide what the most important thing to talk about first is.
Admittedly, this is a hard habit to change. I feel very inclined to compliment an adorable little girl on the way she looks. But I definitely think that learning so much more about women and our society, coupled with the realization that I am responsible for contributing a good one myself is a great motivator. Maybe it won’t change everyone’s mind, maybe a lot of you are saying I am an oversensitive feminist who doesn't know what she’s talking about, but if one person just sits down and thinks about it before the next time they interact with a little girl they know, then that has made all the difference in the world, and we are one step closer to giving our daughters the tools they need to foster confidence in themselves.
