Archive for August 2014
How to Fix Your Child’s Bad Behavior RIGHT NOW
I have to be honest, when I first wrote this post, it wasn't called "How to Fix Your Child's Bad Behavior RIGHT NOW", it was called "How to get closer to your child RIGHT NOW". But I thought the bad behavior one would get more parents to look at it and possibly click on it and read it, and well, honestly, if you do one, you will most definitely get the other.
My mantra about punishment, discipline and consequences has always been that when a child throws a tantrum or misbehaves, they are communicating an unmet need they have, and as parents, it is our job to find out what that need is, show them that we understand, and do our best to meet it. That means taking their big feelings in turn without losing our cool. It means understanding that they aren’t lashing out because they hate us or want to manipulate us. It means first looking inward at how we are parenting, before turning outward at what they did wrong. But sometimes we need help.
My mantra about punishment, discipline and consequences has always been that when a child throws a tantrum or misbehaves, they are communicating an unmet need they have, and as parents, it is our job to find out what that need is, show them that we understand, and do our best to meet it. That means taking their big feelings in turn without losing our cool. It means understanding that they aren’t lashing out because they hate us or want to manipulate us. It means first looking inward at how we are parenting, before turning outward at what they did wrong. But sometimes we need help.
I will share with you some terms and ideas I’ve learned from parenting books I really like that have taught me a lot about bad behavior. The first is from Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham, and it is the idea that our relationship with our kids is like a bank account. The more you deposit, the larger it gets. The more you withdraw (without steady deposits to replenish) the lower the balance will go, until it eventually goes into the red. Overdrawn! So the deposits you make with your kids are things like love, laughing and overall positive interactions. The more love, affection and encouragement you give your kids, the higher your balance will be. This is what we want! However, repeated negative interactions, like yelling, fighting, time-outs, telling them NO and scolding them all the time, will cause that bank account to go right into the red. When your bank account goes into the red, your child’s behavior will suffer. They feel dejected, like a disappointment. Everything they do is wrong!
This is where your awesome skills of being in control of your own emotions come in. You can come to their rescue by staying calm, rather than yelling. Oh, you don’t have that? Pffffffft! You’re a shit parent then. HA! Just kidding. Do any of us, really? Just try. Do your best to keep your cool. Focus on having more loving, positive interactions than negative. In the end, do you want your bank account to break even at $0.00? Or do you want it to be as BIG as possible? I don’t know about you, but I want to be Oprah-rich. Right now, I’m kind of like Rob Schneider’s booking agent-rich. It may seem impossible to outnumber your negative interactions with positive ones, but the harder you work to stay calm and ride out the storm of your child’s emotions, the more you are depositing into that bank account, thus improving that behavior. By depositing more than you need to break even, It’s like you’re making an investment into their future behavior. Oh, snap! That was pretty good, not gonna lie. Just made that up two seconds ago.
The second term I want to talk about comes from that same book and author, and the idea is of the “emotional backpack.” Consider how you feel at the end of a tough day. Exhausted, stressed out, anxious, worried about money, time or family obligations. Now picture finally being able to sit down and talk to your partner, or even a friend, and they start yelling at you, or they act irritated by something you did or said and totally blow you off. Here you were looking forward to being able to relax and unload on someone important to you, and now there is MORE stressed added on! You were carrying an emotional backpack, filled to the brim, and now it’s overflowing! You will likely go to bed very stressed and upset. You might even lash out at the next person you talk to. The same thing happens to your kids! Here is a great quote from Ahaparenting.com:
“Kids are no different than the rest of us. If you want a child's behavior to change, you have to make it safe for them to show you the tears and fears that are driving their behavior. Once their feelings are "heard," they can move on. Otherwise, those hurts stay clenched inside, stored in what we might think of as an emotional backpack. They come bubbling up whenever your child suffers even a small disappointment.”
You have to let your kids vent their frustrations, sadness, anxiety, worry, stress, anger, or anything else, without interrupting or trying to distract, without judgment, without jumping in to offer advice and most importantly, without negating or discounting their feelings (You’re not really sad, you’re just tired!). Think of how you would want to be talked to if you needed to vent. Practice being an active listener. Most of the time, all they need is to say it to someone out loud, and it helps them work through the feelings and start feeling better.
The last term I want to talk about is essentially the same thing as the previous two, but just another way to say it. It’s from The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp, and it’s called “feeding the meter.” I am sure you understand parking meters. The more coins you put into that meter, the longer you have to enjoy that parking spot and you won’t get a ticket! Woot! The same goes with little ones. You keep inserting those happy and funny moments into their day, and you get to keep enjoying their sweet personalities and remembering why you wanted to have kids in the first place.
Now that I have put those terms and ideas out there, I can tell you that the more energy you put into them, the better your child’s behavior will be. So, without further ado, here are some wonderful, easy ways you can feed the meter, deposit into your relationship’s bank account, or unload that emotional backpack:
- Give hugs. Easy! Randomly give your child hugs to remind them that no matter how terrible the day has gone, how much they pissed you off or acted like an asshole (see my last post) you still love them so very much. Virginia Satir said “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” Try to remember that throughout your day with your child.
- Have an impromptu dance party. In your living room, in your kitchen while you’re making breakfast, before bath time. Even if it’s just 5 minutes. Try to teach each other different dances. I hear the Juggalos have some good ones. Which reminds me, I’ve got this really legit slithering, snake-like move I am just DYING to try at the next wedding we go to.
- Give them a massage. As someone who didn’t have a lot of affection growing up (sniff sniff, I know shut up) things like this seem foreign to me. From The Happiest Toddler on the Block: “A nightly massage is a precious gift to your child. It soothes muscles, boosts immunity, prepares for sleep and teaches gentleness and intimacy. (And as an extra bonus, giving a massage automatically lowers your stress, anxiety and depression.)” A recent study also showed lab rats who received regular loving strokes and massages from their mother actually turned out smarter than their counterparts who had less affectionate mothers. SO THERE’S ALWAYS THAT. BOOM.
- Make up stories together. Kids LOVE hearing stories, and love even more when you make them up. Not everyone is a storyteller, though. Some of us totally suck at it. But you can do it with your kids, who have the most active and amazing imaginations, and when you do it together, it’s a great way to bond and have a lot of laughs at the same time. “Once upon a time there was a little…[child interjects: BUNNY WITH FLUFFY EARS!] and he was playing with his friend, the….[SILLY SANTA CLAUS!] And fall into fits of giggles. Oh, did I mention giggling is one of the BEST ways for kids to reduce stress, lower anxiety and empty that emotional backpack? Yup! By the way, my kids’ version of the story would have been “Once upon a time, there was a little [TURD], and he was playing with his friend, the [NASTY TOOTH]…and he farted on someone and they rode off into a pug’s butt…” We are a charming family.
- Write them a note. Getting mail and messages as a kid is exciting. When I was a kid, we passed notes in school, and getting a note was the best feeling. Now, they probably just text, but whatever! Write a simple note telling them something you like about them or something you’re looking forward to doing with them and slip it under their door, or set it next to one of their toys to find later as a surprise. Bonus points if you put it in an envelope and write their name on the front.
- Take turns telling jokes. Come up with some of your best. Bring out the big guns. I’m talking how do you make a tissue dance-good. Need ideas? Check out this link of gems: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/schooljokes/kidjokes.html And LAUGH at their jokes! Show them that you think they are clever and funny, even when they tell you something terrible. I recently watched an episode of Louie, where his daughter told this winner: “Who told the gorilla that he couldn’t go to the ballet?” Who? “Just the people who are in charge of that decision.”
The idea behind all of it is that it will not only improve their behavior, but bring you closer to them. As I said above, I was going to title this post “Ways to get closer to your child RIGHT NOW”, but I thought it would be a less attractive heading than “How to Fix Bad Behavior RIGHT NOW”, because honestly, what feels more pressing? What feels like it’s literally overwhelming us every second of every day?
Welp, that’s all I am going into right now. I hope that you find that some of these help you both manage your child’s behavior and improve your relationship with them. Parenting is hard, but it shouldn’t make us miserable. I believe in you. And so I will leave you with these words of wisdom:
When Your Kid Acts Like a Jerk
Warning! Explicit language!
This post is inspired by an event that happened in my house
today. While getting pajamas on, my 3 year-old noticed that I have new, pink
polish on my toenails from a pedicure I just got. He remarked on how great they
looked (smart kid, amirite?) and said that he really wished he had pink polish
on his toenails. “Well, you’re in luck!” I told him. “Because I have some pink
polish in my bathroom!” and he said “Yay!” and scurried in for me to paint his
toenails.
We decided to just do the two big toes, because it was
already story time and I wanted them to try before he got under the covers, so
I gave him one coat, and we were both happy. Boy or girl, I will never say no
to painting nails!
Steve and I told him that they needed to dry, so it was very
important that he didn’t kick anything or put on socks. We stressed that it is
really important that the polish dries before doing anything, and that he
needed to be very careful, especially on the carpet. He agreed and went on his
merry way. I started putting the polish away and getting ready to read, and
after a minute or two I noticed he had not come back, so I called him to come
back in.
When he came back, I immediately noticed that the pink
polish on one of his toenails was smudged, as if he had tried to wipe all of it
off. I sighed and closed my eyes. “Steve, will you please go look for where Ash
wiped off his polish?” I hung my head and braced myself for the worst.
A moment later, Steve came back. Sure enough, he had gone
into the little playhouse in the living room and wiped his toenail polish off…on
the carpet. He DRAGGED his toenail ACROSS MY OFF-WHITE CARPET to wipe off the
polish. I was livid.
“Are you kidding me?” I asked him.
“I don’t want polish on my toenails!” He protested.
“But the carpet? Why the carpet? You could have just asked
me to wipe it off! Daddy and I just told you four minutes ago that toenail polish
is not to go on carpets.”
Silence.
UGH. I skipped his story time and sent him straight to bed.
I realize this wasn’t the best way of handling it, because I am a huge advocate
of story and cuddle time as a way to reconnect with your kids and bond without
all of the chaos that is present during the day. Welp, I was so pissed I couldn’t
even look at him, let alone talk to him and read him a story. My knee-jerk
reaction was to call him an asshole. I didn't, of course, but I wanted to. It was the first thing on my mind. I’m totally serious. You are an asshole!
That was an asshole thing to do! ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE! Had I done that, I
would have felt vindicated for about one minute, before consumed with guilt and
shame. Luckily I just sent him to bed, but when Steve came over I was still
fuming.
“Take a deep breath, it’s okay.” He said.
“No, it’s not! Nail polish is hard to get out of carpet, I
don’t have non-acetone polish remover and now I have to go to the store! And he
knew that he wasn’t supposed to get it on the carpet, and he deliberately
dragged his toe across to get it off, instead of just asking me! What the
fuck?! That was an ASSHOLE thing to do!”
Steve sympathized. “I know, but he’s only three. You just
have to remember that.”
I wasn’t having it. “I don’t care how old he is! WHAT AN ASSHOLE.”
Steve told me to take some more breaths and rubbed my back
for a minute, and I calmed down.
But that whole experience got me thinking about other times
when my kids have been utter assholes to me, and the times when I just wanted
to scream it in their face. This blog is about gentle parenting, setting firm
limits without punishment, and all kinds of feel-good stuff that absolutely
prohibits calling your child an asshole. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t
think about it sometimes. Okay, a lot of times.
When my 18 month-old takes a handful of peanut butter and
rubs it through her hair an hour after I gave her a bath. Happened today.
Asshole.
When I get a book thrown at my face for saying that it’s nap
time. Asshole.
When I am called the meanest mom in the world, and told I am
not wanted anymore. Well, fuck you too, asshole! I could easily find some other
child to shower in love, respect and all of the free food they could ever ask
for! UNGRATEFUL ASSHOLE!
When they’ve had about 6 meals already and it’s only 2pm,
and I’m having my first meal, a measly yogurt, and they all run up and take “just
one bite” until it’s all gone. Two words: ASS. HOLE.
When I buy them as many books as I can get my hands on,
because I love reading, and I want to instill a love of reading and a world of
imagination and wonder, and they rip the pages out of it or color on them.
Illiterate asshole.
When I talk up my child in front of others for being
smart/sweet/adorable and they come and fart in my face/spit on my guest/tell me
their butt itches. Embarrassing asshole!
When you spend a lot of time making a 3 course dinner that
is both healthy and delicious, and they cry and demand peanut butter and jelly.
Asshole!
Again, I realize it’s never okay to actually call your child
an asshole. And while these behaviors aren’t really a big deal in the grand
scheme of things, there are just little things here and there that make me feel
like saying…..
So, to all the parents out there who don’t go ape shit when
their kids act like complete assholes, I raise my wine glass to you! You’re
awesome!
