Humanist Parenting: Think. Teach. Love.

I have too many toys in my house. With 3 young kids, it feels like we have every toy under the sun. As a matter of fact, it’s gotten so ridiculous that I can hardly come up with any good ideas for Christmas presents for them this year. I just feel like we have enough toys to last a lifetime. I hear that sentiment echoed to me every year by other parents. We’re constantly racking our brains and prodding our kids to tell us what they want for Christmas, all the while disgusted and ashamed that we are still looking for new toys when we just swam through a sea of them to get to the computer.  At least I did. I curse the day I ever went shopping when I bang my foot into a car for the hundredth time. This is a huge issue at my house. I have toys in almost every square inch of my home, with about 10% of them being played with on a daily basis. And keep in mind only ONE of my kids is in school full time. We have plenty of time on our hands to utilize some of those toys.

What’s worse is that my issue is even more pressing because not only am I racking my brain for gifts for my three kids who already have so much, I also have a birthday for my youngest 4 weeks after Christmas, a birthday for my second child three weeks after that, and then of course the birthday of my oldest 6 weeks after that in April. Not to mention cousins and friends who also have birthdays in the first few weeks after Christmas. And everyone in our family will continue to rack our brain for extravagant birthday gifts even after we’ve showered them with toys on Christmas. It’s disgusting, and I’m embarrassed. It’s not just the amount of toys, either. It’s the money spent on it. We are not struggling by any means, but what we have pumped out on shitty, plastic toys for our kids could feed, clothe and house multiple families in impoverished countries. Think about that. People are struggling to give their kids anything for Christmas, to even feed them, and I’m wondering if I should just go ahead and buy that new video game system, even though Steve and I would never use it, and even though our son only wants it for one game. Ugh. Those are the days when I realize just how privileged and “first world” we really are, and it makes me want to vomit.

I have come to this realization before in previous Christmases, even before we had all three kids. Steve and I are both very fortunate to have families and close friends that also splurge on our kiddos when it comes to holidays and birthdays, so having too many toys and trying to think of even bigger and better gifts to put under the tree is not a new phenomenon. If your kids are anything like mine, they can open an awesome gift, throw it aside and forget about it immediately, only to move on to the next and do the same thing, then maybe play with the toy for a few minutes, or if it’s something they really wanted maybe it stays in circulation for longer, but the rest are just like..meh. I’ve created monsters and I just wonder how much longer until they’ve gone Dudley Dursley-birthday freak out. You know the scene I’m talking about.

"HOW MANY ARE THERE?!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xgjdsy1MpR0

For once, can I get some of the old school reactions kids like us use to have when we got awesome gifts?

I mean, can I get something like Nintendo 64 kid? That would be gratifying. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFlcqWQVVuU

I got an American Girl doll when I was a kid and I was so excited and happy that I about shit my pants. Those dolls were *hella* expensive and I NEVER thought I would be lucky enough to care for one of those beauties. Yeah I still say hella. Get over it. Haters gonna hate. My mom still has my doll stowed away somewhere, and I still look back on it with very fond memories. Samantha, in case you’re wondering. I’m a Samantha girl.

Well, last year, I finally decided to get creative. I needed a complete overhaul of Christmas and the way we did things around our house. That meant changing how much I bought for the kids, changing what kinds of things I bought for them, and changing the way our family viewed Christmas in general. I am going to share some of my ideas with you in hopes that maybe you can start transitioning out of the hamster wheel of Christmas shopping in order to spend less money, have less crap and maybe start having holidays where kids care less about getting gifts and more about giving back to others and being with family and friends.

My first change was the kinds of gifts I got. My kids didn’t appreciate huge extravagant gifts like I had hoped they would. I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage that the child likes the box the toy came in better than the box? Well that’s what I tried to think of. I really wanted to think of little things that I know make my kids really happy. Little things that maybe aren’t $79.99 at Toys R Us. One thing I thought of immediately? Pop Tarts. Yup, that’s right. My kids go ape shit over Pop Tarts. Why? Because they are banned in my house. Go ahead and judge me as one of those snooty, holier than thou moms who doesn’t let her kids have fun. I don’t care. Pop Tarts are not a breakfast food, they aren’t even a food, and it pisses me off so much that it’s marketed to children for breakfast. And of course, my kids LOVE them. They can’t get enough. So for Christmas, I went to Costco and bought a huge box of Pop Tarts, and I have to say, it was one of the best Christmas decisions I ever made. They were thrilled. THRILLED!

Good source of 8 vitamins and minerals….my ass.

You know what else they go ape shit over? Lucky Charms. Fruit snacks. Hot chocolate. All things that my kids don’t usually get. Don’t pretend like fruit snacks aren’t anything more than gummy sugar. Many parents would look at me and say “You’re giving your kids groceries as presents? Wow. Poor kids.” Yes, I am. Because they aren’t just groceries for my kids. I don’t buy them that stuff normally, so why shouldn’t I buy them this time of year and stick them under the tree for Christmas? Those four things were pretty good-sized packages. I wrapped and put them under the tree, hoping for that look that we all hope for on Christmas morning. You know the one I’m talking about. The one where your kids wake up to a tree overflowing with gifts and you see that sparkle in their eyes; that excitement. I lived for that. I am going to tell you a story right now that I find pretty embarrassing, but I think it will resonate with a lot of you who are going through the same thing as I am. When Danny was just 2 years old, it was Christmas eve and I had finished wrapping all his gifts. They were all great gifts and I had spent quite enough on him. But you know what? When I put them under the tree, they looked positively puny. I panicked. No son of mine could wake up to so few presents scattered around the tree! That’s pathetic! So, on Christmas even at 8pm, I sent Steve out shopping. I told him to find a place that was open, any place, and pick up some toys to wrap and put under the tree. And despite him disagreeing with me about the amount of toys, he went. Walgreens was open. That’s it. And you know what? He splurged. He bought a shit ton of new toys to pile under the tree to make me happy. Because I thought that would make a two year-old happy. Do you know what he did on Christmas morning? He cried. He didn’t even want to open presents, he didn’t care at all. So I opened them all myself and pretended to ooh and ahh while he went about his business. Who’s pathetic now?

Anyway back to the present. Lucky Charms were on sale at Costco this week, so I picked some up. We had the kids with us, so I sent Steve to the food court with them and asked the cashiers to cover it up with another box so the kids wouldn’t see it. One of them asked me “Umm, is it supposed to be like…a surprise?” I just smiled. “Yeah, you could say that.” And I know among all the gifts they get this year, Lucky Charms and Pop Tarts are going to be among their favorites.

Next I decided that instead of buying things, I would try to buy experiences. Two things came to mind: Science and art. Those are big things in our house. We are big on science experiments in the Hayes house, so I decided to put together a little “Science Experiment Kit” and found an awesome ingredient list on Pinterest with accompanying experiment ideas you could try with them!

Here’s the link: http://www.icanteachmychild.com/gift-idea-science-kit-for-kids-with-free-printables/ The author of the post said she got all those materials for under $20. Foster creativity, questioning and curiosity about the world for such a small price. Bill Nye ain't got nothin' on you! Actually, no, that's not true. I would never blaspheme the god of classroom science. All hail the chief!

Arts and crafts also take up a lot of time in our house. Drawing, coloring, painting, gluing, cutting, glittering, taping, folding, creating….we’re obsessed. We are always in need of new art supplies. So in keeping with the science kit above, I decided to make a cute arts and crafts kit as well. Keep in mind, the kits that you can buy at the store from Crayola are not nearly as cost effective and aesthetically pleasing as putting one together yourself. Do the normal stuff like crayons and markers, but throw in some other cool stuff like puff balls (pom poms for some of you folks), popsicle sticks, pipe cleaners, googly eyes, cheap stamps – those are the best inspiration for sudden creativity and they’re so good to just have around. You can also find a lot of stuff at the dollar store that will bring just as much fun as the crayons. Here’s an idea for a kit you can make yourself:

http://www.yourmodernfamily.com/gift-for-creative-kid/

Another thing we love doing around our house is pretend play and dress up. Steve took a giant box we got from a high chair or something of Katy’s, and put another smaller one on top and turned it into a robot costume. It wasn’t fancy, it wasn’t even painted or special (we were pressed for time) but the kids LOVED it and it lasted a surprisingly long time. This year I am thinking of maybe picking up some funny hats and glasses and clothing second hand and seeing what the kids can come up with. I know a feather boa and a fake strand of pearls would never go amiss in my closet.  

Something else that happens at our house pretty much all the time is dancing. One of our favorite things to do is have dance parties. We turn off all the lights, grab a flashlight or whatever is handy and blast the music like we’re at a rave. The kids just go bananas. A while ago we had one of those cheap, flashing wand things from Great Wolf Lodge that we used to dance with, but as I’m sure you can imagine it died shortly after, so this year I ordered a cheap disco ball off of Amazon. That is something I am super excited about giving them because the dance parties have become such a positive force in our lives, such a fabulous way to make memories, and having those flashy, strobe light things going around the room just makes the kids lose their minds. I can understand that. I spent a good many nights at raves when I was a teenager. As a parent I am now happy to host nice, clean, safe, drug and creep-free raves in my own home. No need to pay $5 for a bottle of water or have strangers sweating on you and telling you their life story. Oh, now I’m becoming nostalgic.

  

And of course we buy books. Always, always books. We always buy as many books as we can because that actually is something I know we spend time on every single day. We have story time every night and usually read something throughout the day as well, whether it be as a family, or just one or two of us. We are always reading. Right now we are kind of obsessed with Chick ‘n’ Pug. Thanks to some close friends of ours buying us the book awhile back, we have now read it probably a hundred times, and bought the second and third editions as well. One of them is called Chick ‘n’ Pug meet The Dude. Yup. That’s a Big Lebowski reference and its badass. I highly recommend it. It’s adorable, and as owners of pugs ourselves, we love it all the more.

I like to look for learning opportunities anywhere I can, and one thing I have really been enjoying teaching the kids about is other countries and cultures. I splurged and bought them a $50 globe off of Amazon (for just a globe, a plain, old globe. Wtf.) and we like spinning it to find a random fact about what we land on, or possibly cook a meal from there. I also picked up some HUGE wall maps that are just for kids, so we can pin things we like or are interested in. I am excited for them to see it!

If you want to buy more toys but don’t want to spend a fortune, consider picking them up secondhand. There are also many websites you can visit that have used items you can buy for your kids that are in perfect condition. I used to have to shop at thrift stores with my family when I was younger, and because of that they have always left a sour taste in my mouth. They feel dirty and shameful, so I don’t step foot in them unless I absolutely have to. Which is never. I actually only just started buying things secondhand through this site (varagesale.com) thanks to my sister in law, who started something similar via social media. Because of my upbringing, previously the mere thought of buying things used made me sick. But the websites and groups I am part of online are with people from my own community, and many times they are selling things that are close to new and sometimes even things that are new that their kids didn’t like or just never got around to opening. This is a great way to save money, save packaging, save time on assembly and reinforce the idea of reusing, or upcycling things before you decide to just buy them new. For like….the trees man. Save the trees.

For the record, I have also bought them other “normal” toys that I am confident they will get use out of. Legos, for one. We are always looking for more Legos, mostly because I have a death wish, I guess. I also got some other stuff that may or may not end up forgotten in a corner somewhere, but I tried really hard to be creative this year and not spend/buy as much. If you have any more creative suggestions, shoot them my way, I would love to hear your ideas.

So the last thing I recommend of course is trying to change the way your kids view Christmas. Instead of them insisting on giving you a list with a hundred items on it, go to a store and have them choose toys for a charity or donation drive in your area. Show them that they are more fortunate than 70% of the world’s population with the kind of Christmases and holidays they enjoy. Ask them what they would choose if they could only get one small gift for Christmas, because that’s what a lot of families experience at Christmas. Take some of that money you were going to spend on gifts and candy for them and sponsor a family. If you spend hundreds of dollars on your kids every holiday for gifts, surely they will survive if you take 100, or even 50 of that and give it back to those in your community. Bonus points if you can get to the point where you give more toys to others than you give to your own kids. Volunteer in a shelter or a soup kitchen, at the food bank or at your local community center. Show them what many people go through every year, and teach them to empathize with those who need extra help to care for their own families this season. And I’m not talking about dropping some change in the Salvation Army tin. People have to make some tough choices this time of year. Ask your kids how they would feel if their only gift was getting a winter coat to stay warm. Ask them if they think it’s fair that there are millions of children out there who aren’t going to get to eat a meal today, or have a place to live. Our kids should not be ignorant to the suffering of those around them. It is too easy to turn the other cheek and pretend like we are in our own privileged world. Whatever you believe about the meritocracy of our society, one small change in your life could have you and your family in the line for government assistance and charitable donations, and you would likely be singing a different tune.

Last year I tried to get my two older kids to learn more about those in our community who need extra help. I gave them an allotted “allowance” to give to whatever charity they wished. My intent was to go through and research different issues people deal with (not having money for gifts, hunger, the need for shelter) and let them decide where they wanted to “spend” their money. Unfortunately I think maybe they were just too young to grasp the idea, or I did a poor job of explaining it, because it just didn’t happen like I wanted, so I did most of the work myself. I went shopping and bought a ton of gifts for many different ages and we drove them all to the fire station for the Toys for Joy program. I also had another charity event that I donated to, but they didn’t really know anything about it. Ideally that would be something we could do as a family every year, allotting certain amounts of money for each member to donate to the charity of their choice, in addition to some volunteer work. I would hope that these practices would instill a sense of social connection with those in their community and a desire to help those who are less fortunate. They are still pretty young, so I’m not sure how quickly it will happen, but I want to have kids who feel more fulfilled by giving and bringing joy to others rather than raking in gifts for themselves.

Everyone has their own definition of the true meaning of Christmas. Whether it’s religious, family-oriented, giving back to others or about the thrill of watching your kids light up when you got just the present they have been wanting all year makes no matter. Whatever you believe, I think that this time of year is about bringing joy to others, more than just those in your immediate family. I think that as parents we should demonstrate that being devoted to helping others and making our society better for everyone is the surest path to personal fulfillment.   

Oh and Pop Tarts.

It’s all about dem Pop Tarts.

Today I have another post in the series about the difficulties of raising daughters. As I have said before, I myself have my very first daughter who is close to two, and after two boys and a lot of research into women and society, I have found that I have my work cut out for me with my little princess. For more posts in this series, click here and here and here.

So here is my story. The other day I took my car to the dealership because it was having some issues. I ended up hanging out in the waiting room while they did the diagnostic. (Why did I do that? That was stupid. It will only be one hour, they said. Only two more hours, they said. UGH) Anyway, since I was spending an eternity in there, people came and went. A man and his young daughter came in and sat down next to me. The little girl immediately opened a magazine and started showing me all of the pictures. She stood right next to me and we read a bunch of magazines together, talked about our favorite colors, her next birthday (she is four, going on five next month!) and how her mom is having another baby soon. Her dad played on his phone and looked up periodically. One particularly fabulous moment was when we were looking at beautiful homes in a magazine, and she said: “I like this house. I would like for my dad to buy this house for me. You know, my dad is a bad dad, do you know why? Because he says bad words A LOT.” And of course I started cracking up. The poor guy’s face just blanched and he chuckled uncomfortably and went back to his phone without saying anything. I love kids.

After probably an hour or so of talking to her, they finally told me that they would need to keep my car overnight for the repairs that needed to be done. I sighed and called Steve to see who could pick me up. He was stuck in traffic quite a ways away, but he called his parents and one of them stayed with the kiddos and one left to come grab me. The traffic was horrid in both directions so I knew it was going to be awhile until I got home.

Shortly after, the guy sitting next to me was told his vehicle was done. He stood up to walk to the counter, and when he took out his keys, I noticed that he had a membership card on his key chain to the same gym that I belong to. That’s interesting because it’s the only one in the area, so I figured he probably lived in the same town as me. I showed him my matching key chain and asked him if he lives in Maple Valley. He immediately answered “Yeah, I do! I heard you on the phone. Do you need a ride home? We are headed there right now, I can drop you off.”

It only took a few seconds for me to answer. “No, I’ve actually got someone coming, thanks so much though!” And he said “Okay, no problem. Have a good trip to the Maple!” Whatever the hell that was, I don’t even know. I’ve never heard of the town being referred to like that, but he was being rushed out the door by his daughter and maybe the cat had his tongue.

As I sat back down to wait for my ride, I started wondering if maybe I should have just said yes and taken the ride. It would have saved a lot of time on my part, and a lot of time and effort on the people watching my kids and giving me rides. It would have saved gas and I may have even made a new friend for my kids, since they live in our school district, after all. What was stopping me? When a strange man asks to give me a ride somewhere, my knee-jerk reaction will always be to say no. Only fools get in cars with strangers. You are taught that when you’re a child, especially if you’re a little girl. Little girls fall victim far too often, so we learn to protect ourselves early on. Never get into a car with a stranger, no matter how nice he (or she) seems, or what they say to you. Don’t even converse or acknowledge them. Just find an adult and/or get out of there.

But now I AM the adult. And you would think that some of the things that I used to protect myself as a child aren’t needed anymore. I’ve grown older, bigger and a lot stronger. I know more about the world. I am a better judge of character. And yet, that still sticks with me. When I am in a situation like that, my brain takes only about four seconds to assess the situation and go through all of the possible scenarios of what could happen in mind. That’s not a joke. That’s all the amount of time it takes to determine that this is a not a situation I want to put myself in, and some of the reasons why.

What if he tries to hit on me? What if I say something he doesn’t like and he gets angry? What if he decides he doesn’t want to take me all the way home and just leaves me somewhere random? What if he steals my purse and phone and abandons me? What if I get kidnapped? Molested? Beaten? Raped? Murdered? What are the different ways he could carry out each of those things? Do I have a way out? If I did take the ride, how do I find out as much as possible about him without looking suspicious and be able to communicate that to Steve in case something happens? Would he rape me with his child looking on? What if his child is a decoy to get unsuspecting women to ride in his car so he can rape them? Okay I know that last one was stupid. Shut up.

Now, I realize the likelihood of any of those things happening is very small. There is a reason that rapes and murders make national headlines, and it’s because they aren’t the norm. In fact, women are more likely to be raped or hurt by someone they know rather than a complete stranger. And yet, the knowledge and the warnings have stayed the same, and I will always say no to a ride from a strange man.

I can guess what a lot of you are thinking. That I am crazy, and that I am letting sensational headlines and television shows cloud my judgment. Maybe that my feminism makes me a man-hater. That I am using that bias to judge all men. None of that would surprise me.

Steve definitely laughed and rolled his eyes when I told him my thought process. He thinks I am paranoid, and maybe I am. I probably am. But I have to say, sex crimes and violence against women are still pretty common national headlines pretty much daily. So maybe my fears aren’t really that unfounded.

So what does this mean for my own daughter? I guess I am wondering what it’s going to be like in a decade when I go through all of this with her. How much of my knowledge will I be passing on to her, and how much she will actually have to utilize? And how much more will she need by then? How will things for women evolve over the next ten years? We blame women for their own rapes based on the clothes they’re wearing, the looks they give, the words they say, even when they explicitly say no! How much am I going to have to explain to her so that she can protect herself? Excuse me for being a little sarcastic here, but there is so much involved in teaching a little girl not to get raped and murdered.

Not to mention, I then have to teach her somehow not to mistrust all men she comes across. She has to know how to determine which men can be trusted and which can’t. And she can’t take all of that mistrust and let it make her bitter against men, either. She somehow has to have just enough caution to keep herself safe and just enough trust to still let people in. Piece of cake. If I can’t even make that distinction myself, how am I going to teach that to my daughter?

I don’t have a conclusion for this post. Honestly, I am counting on Steve to step in and help with this sort of situation, because a lot of the things that she needs to know in order to trust men will come from him. I expect him to show her that she deserves respect and kindness, that she should feel comfortable saying no, but also to know that there are some really amazing men out there for her, whether it be for a friend or a romantic partner. I know she will be taught this, because her dad is one of those really amazing men. Compassion, gentleness and affection are just a few of the characteristics that make her dad special. I know that she is one of those lucky girls who isn’t going to grow up with any “daddy issues” that are going to keep her from experiencing intimacy or trusting men. Because of the way her dad will raise her, she won’t have to look at every man and visualize how they could hurt her. As an adult, she will look back on her childhood and see a doting father that both adored her and respected her as a human being. She will know her worth and she will accept nothing less than what she is worth. Because of the amazing man her father is, she will have all of the tools she needs at her disposal when she has to make a decision like the one I waffled over at the dealership.

So I guess there is a conclusion to this, and it’s that my daughter is very lucky, because she’s got the best dad in the world. And I guess that makes me pretty lucky, too. 

In the game of parenting, you win or you die. Wait, that’s not true. No one ever wins. You can’t win the game of parenting, because it’s not a game, don’t you know this by now, you amateur? I can’t believe you even considered becoming a parent when you don’t know that. You suck. You’re a sucky parent and you’ll have sucky kids.

One of the beautiful things about being a parent is that the fruits of your labor are evident in the very fabric of our society. Your superb parenting skills contribute to the blossoming of a human being who grows up to entangle themselves in the world around them. But even before they blossom, you get to share your little one’s progress every single day in the form of interaction with other humans. The results of your parental handiwork are put on display every time you walk out the door or invite someone into your home.

The wonderful thing about this is that if you are doing an excellent job, you get some positive attention that has everyone admiring you. The crappy part about it is that almost no one is doing an “excellent job” of parenting that gets wide-spread recognition, because the idea of excellent job is subjective. No matter how fantastic your kids are, or turn out to be, you’re going to get judged for your parenting somewhere along the way. Actually, in this day and age, judgment is at the forefront of every single age and stage in your life as a parent.

Back in the day, most of the irritating judgment and unsolicited advice came from family members. Parents or in-laws telling you that THEY never did it that way, and YOU turned out all right. This generation of parents, however, has it so much worse. It’s coming from all sides, and everyone’s an expert.

To help illustrate this point, let me throw a few buzzwords out there: Attachment, Authoritarian, Sanctimommy, The Mommy Wars, Corporal Punishment, Overpraise, Anti-vaxxer, Helicopter Parent, Extended Breastfeeding, Co-Sleeping….

When any of those words get dropped in modern parenting, be prepared to get bombarded with loud, aggressive opinions. And if you disagree with the person who is offering their opinion, get ready for Defcon 5 because you’re about to start some serious shit.

Parents these days are extremely defensive about their decisions while at the same time extremely offensive to others who don’t agree with them. One reason for this is just how cut-throat it is out there when you’re raising a kid. Every week we are learning new ways our own parents screwed us up, and being inundated with warnings and cautions for our own parenting journey and how to screw our kids up less than we were screwed up. You may realize the pacifier you gave your first child had BPA in it, and now they’re probably going to have cancer in 5 years! A panic sets in and suddenly we are peeking around every corner for the latest threat to our kids’ health and safety.

Couple that with bearing the responsibility of sending an intelligent, caring, well-adjusted human out in the world alone after 18 short years, and you pretty much start questioning every decision you make, and by extension, every decision everyone else makes. We’re all racing against each other not to raise the next Justin Beiber. Or at least, I am. I hate that little shit.

From the time your little one is born, you are thrown so much advice and knowledge about the “right” way to raise a kid. You have so many important decisions to make, and all too often, many people take one small decision you make and use it to determine exactly what kind of parent you are, and what kind of child you will have.

Bottle feed your newborn? Selfish. You’re poisoning your child because you are lazy and want a few extra hours sleep. Oh, you’re uncomfortable breastfeeding because society has taught you that breasts are nothing more than sexual objects? You can’t breastfeed because you don’t have enough supply? You simply don’t want to? Too bad, you screwed up your child for life! BAD. PARENT.

Breastfeed your newborn? Gross. Put that thing away, no one wants to see it! Who do you think you are, whipping your boob out like it was biologically evolved to nourish an infant and act like there’s nothing to be embarrassed about? Don’t you know that breasts are sex objects and not meant to be seen? Please keep your intimate areas private and feed your child in a bathroom stall or in your car. Oh that’s too inconvenient for you? Oh well, should have thought of that before you got knocked up! BAD. PARENT.

This is just the beginning. New parents will get judged by every single person in their life for the remainder of their children growing up. Do you see that brat screaming in the store? It’s probably because his parents don’t discipline him enough. The one dressed in yesterday’s pajamas eating Cheetos? They must REALLY not care about their child’s future! How about the one shooting her brother with fake guns? Ugh, obviously they let her watch WAY too much violent TV.

No wonder everyone is so defensive about their decisions. We get accused of being neglectful or abusive if we’re caught sending a text while our kid plays at the park. We get judged if we spank, and we get judged if we don’t. We get judged if our kids get too much sugar, we get judged if we don’t volunteer in our child’s classroom, we get judged if we swear in front of our kids, we just get judged in general.

People say that parenting has become the new politics or religion. You just don’t talk about it. I don’t like that! I completely disagree. In my opinion, in order for us to grow as a society and raise each generation of children to be smarter, kinder and mo’betta than the last, we need to share ideas. There’s a reason they say that it takes a village to raise a child. And that doesn’t mean throwing your idea out there and then sticking your head in the sand or storming out when someone disagrees with you. It’s okay to disagree on parenting topics. We are different people with different aspirations for our children; that’s why we have scientists and painters, gourmet chefs and auto mechanics. You should foster the traits that you value as a family and that you feel make the most sense for your child’s personality and growth.

Can we all agree that the vast majority of us just want our kids to be happy? Very few parents I know are actively trying to make their kids miserable. We want the best for them. But we don’t have all the answers! No one does! This is why it becomes so important to connect with other people. Learn about other parenting styles, learn the psychology behind it. If someone disagrees with the way you discipline your children, sincerely ask them why they disagree, and listen to their answer. Try to understand it, and take it to heart. That doesn’t mean you’re right or wrong, or need to change your stance. Just look at it as free advice. Process it, then [kindly] offer your own ideas in return. No ad hominem, no accusatory statements; take it as a learning experience rather than a battle that must be won. Other parents aren’t the enemy. They are a valuable resource in our quest to raise happy and healthy kids. Treat it as that, and you will have a lot more knowledge and experience at your disposal, and likely a lot more friends.

I wrote this post for a friend who was looking for advice on dealing with parental judgment. I will talk about specific practices next, but I did want to make sure I shared some of the psychology behind our strongly held beliefs on parenting, and why it’s so easy to judge others for theirs. In order to have less judgment all around, I think it’s important to look inward at our own insecurities, and maybe some ways that we have judged others ourselves.

Now of course, there are going to be some issues you are passionate about that may make you seem judgy. I get hella judgy sometimes. Parents who don’t vaccinate, for one. That is a huge issue for me, so you better believe I won’t keep my mouth shut if you tell me you aren’t vaccinating your kids. That’s not some random study I decided to run with, there is solid, irrefutable evidence that it harms public health and I have rallied against it most aggressively. People who give their toddlers pop. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. That pisses me off and I will let you know all of the negative side effects of giving pop to small children whether you like it or not. But, even though I can get pretty judgy about stuff like that, I genuinely try to avoid calling someone a shitty parent [to their face], and instead offer opinions that are backed by mountains of evidence so they know I’m not just talking out of my ass. I don’t want to just make them feel guilty, I want to help.

Now, on to practical advice for all those parents out there looking for a way to escape from the never ending judgment. The first piece of advice I learned and have seen everywhere is to grow thick skin. Try not to let every negative comment eat at you. You’re going to be hearing stuff from all over the place, and you have to learn to take it all in without losing it. Growing thick skin also includes what I said before about understanding why people judge, and where their advice is coming from. That is going to make it a lot easier to just smile and nod.  

Next, depending on the person you’re getting it from, you can always ignore them. That women on the train who tells you that your 2 year-old should not have a pacifier can go f*%& herself. Don’t say that to her, obviously, but just tell yourself that she tried to do the best she could with the knowledge she had, and if she is really approaching a stranger on public transit to say something so rude and unhelpful, then her life is probably pretty sad. You need to just....

Now it gets trickier if it’s a family member. You obviously can’t ignore them completely, so it’s important that you listen respectfully if they are actually trying to give you advice. Also don’t automatically dispel any advice they give you. There is wisdom in experience. That being said, if you don’t agree, tell them. Simple as that. One of my biggest regrets when Danny was small was not sticking up for myself when someone judged me out loud or gave me advice I didn’t agree with. Stand behind your decisions, and don’t be bullied into doing something you don’t like just because it’s family. Older family members can be pretty opinionated, but you also have a vast arsenal of knowledge and experience at your fingertips every day that they most likely did not.  If the conversation starts to turn sour, adopt an “agree to disagree” stance and ask if you can move on.

It’s going to get a lot worse when your kid goes to school. At this point you are going to deal with parents who don’t want their kid coming over for a random parenting decision you make. (When I was a kid, a friend couldn’t come to my house because my mom smoked cigarettes, even though she smoked outside. These days, you could get on the do not call list if you serve snacks that were made in a factory that also processes peanuts.) You can’t always change their opinion of you, but you can look inward to determine if their judgment of you is warranted. When that happens, the main thing I want you to do is ask yourself a few questions:

Is my child healthy?

Is he happy?

Is he clothed, housed, loved and well-cared for?

Does he have friends?

If you answered yes to all of those questions, then you don’t need to change for anyone else. Then look at the other person’s child and ask yourself the same questions regarding them. Do they look healthy and happy and well-cared for? If so, chances are both of your kids are gonna turn out all right.

Consider that when you fret over your parenting decisions and how others perceive them. We’re all doing the best we can, so instead of vilifying each other for being different, try to learn from one another. That doesn’t mean you have to change to fit someone else’s ideals, but it is so important we put aside the judgments and look at this as a way to grow instead of a war. Ugh, a WAR! That shouldn’t be a thing! Let’s change the way we look at parenting. Let’s try to help each other instead of accuse and scorn. We are raising the next generation of leaders – and I feel [pretty] confident we aren’t going to choose the next President based on whether he or she was bottle or breastfed. As long as he's born in this country and not a Muslim, amirite? 

This post is inspired by an event that happened in my house today. While getting pajamas on, my 3 year-old noticed that I have new, pink polish on my toenails from a pedicure I just got. He remarked on how great they looked (smart kid, amirite?) and said that he really wished he had pink polish on his toenails. “Well, you’re in luck!” I told him. “Because I have some pink polish in my bathroom!” and he said “Yay!” and scurried in for me to paint his toenails.

We decided to just do the two big toes, because it was already story time and I wanted them to try before he got under the covers, so I gave him one coat, and we were both happy. Boy or girl, I will never say no to painting nails!

Steve and I told him that they needed to dry, so it was very important that he didn’t kick anything or put on socks. We stressed that it is really important that the polish dries before doing anything, and that he needed to be very careful, especially on the carpet. He agreed and went on his merry way. I started putting the polish away and getting ready to read, and after a minute or two I noticed he had not come back, so I called him to come back in.

When he came back, I immediately noticed that the pink polish on one of his toenails was smudged, as if he had tried to wipe all of it off. I sighed and closed my eyes. “Steve, will you please go look for where Ash wiped off his polish?” I hung my head and braced myself for the worst.

A moment later, Steve came back. Sure enough, he had gone into the little playhouse in the living room and wiped his toenail polish off…on the carpet. He DRAGGED his toenail ACROSS MY OFF-WHITE CARPET to wipe off the polish. I was livid.

“Are you kidding me?” I asked him.

“I don’t want polish on my toenails!” He protested.

“But the carpet? Why the carpet? You could have just asked me to wipe it off! Daddy and I just told you four minutes ago that toenail polish is not to go on carpets.”

Silence.

UGH. I skipped his story time and sent him straight to bed. I realize this wasn’t the best way of handling it, because I am a huge advocate of story and cuddle time as a way to reconnect with your kids and bond without all of the chaos that is present during the day. Welp, I was so pissed I couldn’t even look at him, let alone talk to him and read him a story. My knee-jerk reaction was to call him an asshole. I didn't, of course, but I wanted to. It was the first thing on my mind. I’m totally serious. You are an asshole! That was an asshole thing to do! ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE! Had I done that, I would have felt vindicated for about one minute, before consumed with guilt and shame. Luckily I just sent him to bed, but when Steve came over I was still fuming.

“Take a deep breath, it’s okay.” He said.

“No, it’s not! Nail polish is hard to get out of carpet, I don’t have non-acetone polish remover and now I have to go to the store! And he knew that he wasn’t supposed to get it on the carpet, and he deliberately dragged his toe across to get it off, instead of just asking me! What the fuck?! That was an ASSHOLE thing to do!”

Steve sympathized. “I know, but he’s only three. You just have to remember that.”

I wasn’t having it. “I don’t care how old he is! WHAT AN ASSHOLE.”

Steve told me to take some more breaths and rubbed my back for a minute, and I calmed down.

But that whole experience got me thinking about other times when my kids have been utter assholes to me, and the times when I just wanted to scream it in their face. This blog is about gentle parenting, setting firm limits without punishment, and all kinds of feel-good stuff that absolutely prohibits calling your child an asshole. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about it sometimes. Okay, a lot of times.

When my 18 month-old takes a handful of peanut butter and rubs it through her hair an hour after I gave her a bath. Happened today. Asshole.

When I get a book thrown at my face for saying that it’s nap time. Asshole.

When I am called the meanest mom in the world, and told I am not wanted anymore. Well, fuck you too, asshole! I could easily find some other child to shower in love, respect and all of the free food they could ever ask for! UNGRATEFUL ASSHOLE!

When they’ve had about 6 meals already and it’s only 2pm, and I’m having my first meal, a measly yogurt, and they all run up and take “just one bite” until it’s all gone. Two words: ASS. HOLE.

When I buy them as many books as I can get my hands on, because I love reading, and I want to instill a love of reading and a world of imagination and wonder, and they rip the pages out of it or color on them. Illiterate asshole.

When I talk up my child in front of others for being smart/sweet/adorable and they come and fart in my face/spit on my guest/tell me their butt itches. Embarrassing asshole!

When you spend a lot of time making a 3 course dinner that is both healthy and delicious, and they cry and demand peanut butter and jelly. Asshole!  

Again, I realize it’s never okay to actually call your child an asshole. And while these behaviors aren’t really a big deal in the grand scheme of things, there are just little things here and there that make me feel like saying…..

So, to all the parents out there who don’t go ape shit when their kids act like complete assholes, I raise my wine glass to you! You’re awesome!

Danny drumming in the car: 

Me: What song are you playing, dude? 

Danny: This is just a tribute, mom.

Okay that made me proud.

_________________________________________________________________

Danny calls Professor Umbridge from Harry Potter ‘The one who loves cats’  I think that's all I need to say about that.

__________________________________________________________________

Danny: [Out of nowhere]: Everybody dies.
Me: Yup. And everybody poops.
Danny: But first, everybody farts.

___________________________________________________________________

Danny made this random ass thing out of legos, it was some brown blocks stacked onto a green pair of Lego pants. He called it walking horse poop, and then started circling around the room, chanting “WALKING POOP. WALKING POOP. WALKING POOP” in a monotone voice. 

Yup. That's my kid.

___________________________________________________________________