Thursday, December 6, 2012
All right, maybe it's not necessarily a "revelation," but to me it was pretty monumental. I've been reading a lot of books and articles lately about choosing the right discipline method for the boys. I've adopted a new "attachment theory" persona, and it has started making me move away from the idea of punishment, and more toward the idea of feelings, character and acceptance. I know it sounds so YUPPIE of me (go figure), but I have been trying it for a few days now and so far I've been really happy with the results. Here's what's different:
In the past, when I ask my kids to do something and they flat out refuse, run away, make it a game, etc. I would usually get sterner and sterner with my voice, eventually threatening (and even using) a time out for not listening to me. The thing was, time outs didn't seem to be doing what I wanted. They got them to listen temporarily (sometimes), but it didn't make them think about changing the behavior for next time, even after we talked it out and hugged. (This is mostly for my four year old, as the younger one usually has no idea what's going on) So after reading stuff from A-Ha Parenting (http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/time-out/transform-your-time-outs-to-time-ins-guest-post-from-dr-laura-markham) and a blog about discipline methods school teachers use on Parenting.com, I decided to try something different. Instead of using a reward/punishment system, I have decided to focus on building character, and allowing the boys to make their own choices about what's right. For example:
Me: Danny, will you please pick up your coat off of the floor and bring it to your room?
Danny: Uh, I don't want to.
Me: Please? It is so easy to step on or trip over your coat when it's right in the middle of the staircase. We wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, would we?
Danny: I don't want to right now.
Me: Okay, I understand you don't want to. But let me ask, how would you feel if Daddy came down these stairs and slipped and fell because your coat was sitting here?
Danny: I would feel sad.
Me: Sad...hmm so you don't want Daddy to get hurt because of your coat?
Danny: Yeah.
Me: So don't you think it might be better to make a different choice about where you leave your coat?
Danny: Um, okay. [Brings coat into his room]
Me: [Gasp...Choke...Cry] That actually WORKED?!
WTF. Normally I would start to get really irritated with that much push back over something simple like putting your coat away. I might even say something rude like "I TOLD YOU TO MOVE IT SO JUST DO IT, OKAY?!" And make him feel like I am angry or frustrated with him over something so silly. Instead, we just talked about the consequences of his actions, how they affect other people, and how both he and the other person would feel if something bad happened.
I honestly still can't believe that it worked so well, and so easily. To test it, I tried it again at another time when he was doing a lot of talking back about stopping his video game to spend some quality time with Ashton and I.
Basically he said he wanted to keep playing, but I told him it had been long enough and it was time to do something fun together. He started getting really upset and arguing. I made the conscious decision to keep my cool. I acknowledged his feelings (evidently this is key in this type of "discipline") and told him I understood that he was having so much fun playing and didn't want to stop. But I told him that playing too long wasn't good for his eyes and I missed him and wanted to spend some fun time with him and Ashton. He still wasn't convinced, and he started getting even more upset. Pretty soon he was lying on the floor in tears, and I knew we may have an issue with being overtired, so I told him it was probably time to take our quiet time for the day and lay in our bed for awhile. He hated this even worse and when I asked him to close his door, he gripped it for dear life so it wouldn't close, still crying.
Again, this is where I would usually get really irritated and initiate a power struggle that usually got us both in tears. I recognized this as a cry for help instead of a power struggle, and decided that maybe he just needed a hug. I sat down and held him on his bedroom floor - lo and behold the tears came in earnest and he cried it out in my arms. After that we talked about his behavior and how it made both of us feel. I asked him if he felt better after crying and he said yes, and I asked him if he was ready to come play with Ashton and I, and he said yes, and that he wanted to be nice. (Oh my God...really?!) He suggested that we play Lego's, so he brought them upstairs and we all sat down on the floor and started playing.
Yes. That worked. No anger, no time outs, no yelling and no feelings of guilt for losing my temper. I successfully showed him that it's okay to have big feelings and that I would be there anyway. Holy crap. I still can't believe what a success it was in just the first few attempts.
I'm sure some of you are shaking your heads (if anyone reads this...um...hello? Is this thing on?) and rolling your eyes at what a yuppie load of crap this is. You're probably saying that I'm letting my kid walk all over me and take control of the situation. First let me just say this: Chill out. Second, you could be right, but I have decided that I feel better than I've ever felt about creating a strong attachment with my kids and encouraging them to acknowledge their own and others feelings while striving to be the best citizen they can be.
Who needs spanking and time outs when you can get the behavior you want by simply showing them LOVE? Riddle me that.
In the past, when I ask my kids to do something and they flat out refuse, run away, make it a game, etc. I would usually get sterner and sterner with my voice, eventually threatening (and even using) a time out for not listening to me. The thing was, time outs didn't seem to be doing what I wanted. They got them to listen temporarily (sometimes), but it didn't make them think about changing the behavior for next time, even after we talked it out and hugged. (This is mostly for my four year old, as the younger one usually has no idea what's going on) So after reading stuff from A-Ha Parenting (http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/time-out/transform-your-time-outs-to-time-ins-guest-post-from-dr-laura-markham) and a blog about discipline methods school teachers use on Parenting.com, I decided to try something different. Instead of using a reward/punishment system, I have decided to focus on building character, and allowing the boys to make their own choices about what's right. For example:
Me: Danny, will you please pick up your coat off of the floor and bring it to your room?
Danny: Uh, I don't want to.
Me: Please? It is so easy to step on or trip over your coat when it's right in the middle of the staircase. We wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, would we?
Danny: I don't want to right now.
Me: Okay, I understand you don't want to. But let me ask, how would you feel if Daddy came down these stairs and slipped and fell because your coat was sitting here?
Danny: I would feel sad.
Me: Sad...hmm so you don't want Daddy to get hurt because of your coat?
Danny: Yeah.
Me: So don't you think it might be better to make a different choice about where you leave your coat?
Danny: Um, okay. [Brings coat into his room]
Me: [Gasp...Choke...Cry] That actually WORKED?!
WTF. Normally I would start to get really irritated with that much push back over something simple like putting your coat away. I might even say something rude like "I TOLD YOU TO MOVE IT SO JUST DO IT, OKAY?!" And make him feel like I am angry or frustrated with him over something so silly. Instead, we just talked about the consequences of his actions, how they affect other people, and how both he and the other person would feel if something bad happened.
I honestly still can't believe that it worked so well, and so easily. To test it, I tried it again at another time when he was doing a lot of talking back about stopping his video game to spend some quality time with Ashton and I.
Basically he said he wanted to keep playing, but I told him it had been long enough and it was time to do something fun together. He started getting really upset and arguing. I made the conscious decision to keep my cool. I acknowledged his feelings (evidently this is key in this type of "discipline") and told him I understood that he was having so much fun playing and didn't want to stop. But I told him that playing too long wasn't good for his eyes and I missed him and wanted to spend some fun time with him and Ashton. He still wasn't convinced, and he started getting even more upset. Pretty soon he was lying on the floor in tears, and I knew we may have an issue with being overtired, so I told him it was probably time to take our quiet time for the day and lay in our bed for awhile. He hated this even worse and when I asked him to close his door, he gripped it for dear life so it wouldn't close, still crying.
Again, this is where I would usually get really irritated and initiate a power struggle that usually got us both in tears. I recognized this as a cry for help instead of a power struggle, and decided that maybe he just needed a hug. I sat down and held him on his bedroom floor - lo and behold the tears came in earnest and he cried it out in my arms. After that we talked about his behavior and how it made both of us feel. I asked him if he felt better after crying and he said yes, and I asked him if he was ready to come play with Ashton and I, and he said yes, and that he wanted to be nice. (Oh my God...really?!) He suggested that we play Lego's, so he brought them upstairs and we all sat down on the floor and started playing.
Yes. That worked. No anger, no time outs, no yelling and no feelings of guilt for losing my temper. I successfully showed him that it's okay to have big feelings and that I would be there anyway. Holy crap. I still can't believe what a success it was in just the first few attempts.
I'm sure some of you are shaking your heads (if anyone reads this...um...hello? Is this thing on?) and rolling your eyes at what a yuppie load of crap this is. You're probably saying that I'm letting my kid walk all over me and take control of the situation. First let me just say this: Chill out. Second, you could be right, but I have decided that I feel better than I've ever felt about creating a strong attachment with my kids and encouraging them to acknowledge their own and others feelings while striving to be the best citizen they can be.
Who needs spanking and time outs when you can get the behavior you want by simply showing them LOVE? Riddle me that.
