Archive for July 2015
Why You Need to Talk to Your Kids About Race (Especially if You're White)
Parents, you need to talk to your kids about race. In this post, I am going to give you some ideas on how to get started. Honestly, this may be one of the toughest blog posts I have ever written. It
is especially heavy to me because of the current social unrest over the tragic deaths
of Freddie Gray, Eric Garner, John Crawford III, Michael Brown, Jr., Tamir Rice, and most recently, the mysterious death of Sandra Bland while in police
custody after an altercation with a police officer over a traffic violation. All of the aforementioned people are black. Like it or not, race is a hot button issue in our country, and it's time we stepped up as a nation and stopped pretending like it doesn't exist or sweeping it under the rug.
Because I want to give you the most accurate data possible, I
spend a lot of time doing research for each of my posts. Of course I include
many of my own opinions as well, but this post has taken quite a bit more
research than what I’ve gathered for most of my other content-heavy topics. I've been following the cases above nonstop over the last year. I've dug up as much information as I can. This
is one of the most serious and sensitive topics I've ever delved into, and it's one I am deeply passionate about. Learning about race is difficult. Teaching about race is even harder. Couple that with the fact that I am white, and it can be a recipe for disaster.
"It's everywhere you want to be."
I will be the first to admit that everything I explain here comes
from the vantage point of an upper-middle class, highly privileged white woman.
I have no anecdotal evidence on anything but being a white person looking at it
from the outside. I won't ever pretend to understand what other races go
through on a daily basis in this country, but I am hoping to share some facts
and data I’ve found that will shed some light on it that you can in turn use to
talk to your kids about.
And Spongebob seems to have neither of those things.
The fact of the matter is that most people are afraid to talk
about race. White people, especially. It is such a taboo subject; really
intimidating. Instead we sweep it under the rug, and pretend like it doesn't
exist. Then when our kid brings it up and asks a question about it, we are appalled
and immediately shush them, especially if it’s in public. I know many parents
(myself included) who would be horrified if their child loudly exclaimed something
about another race in public. In fact, a
few weeks ago I was at Target with the kids and there were two Asian women
behind us, talking. I wasn’t really listening or paying attention to them, but
I did notice as I was half listening that they were not speaking English. And
apparently Ash noticed, too, because he loudly said “WHY DO SOME PEOPLE SPEAK
SPANISH, MOM?” And I just went beet red. That is a totally harmless question,
aside from the fact that he erroneously guessed the language they were
speaking. And yet the fact that he pointed out that they were different than us
and were speaking a different language had me totally mortified. Why? Would it
have been the same if he asked me why some people have blonde hair? Absolutely
not. Then I could easily go into a talk about DNA and dominant and recessive
genes (because I would totally teach my four year-old that shit…shut up)
without hesitation. But when it has anything to do with race or racial
differences, I clam up.
Yeah yeah, cute kid. But does he know The
air-speed velocity of an
unladen swallow?
There is a big problem with white parents not talking about race
with their kids. Many of us think, hey, if we aren't outwardly racist and don't
say or do things that would paint other races in a negative light, then we
should be fine. Kids learn racism from imitation, from the way we talk and act
toward others, right? Many people have mistakenly decided to adopt a stance of
color-blindness as a way to combat racism. If we pretend like we are all equal
and the same, then we pretty much are! We are all on an equal footing, so there
is no reason for anyone to feel singled out, and no prejudice, right? The thing
is, we are not all on an equal
footing. Whether you believe it or not, minorities, especially black
people, are at a distinct disadvantage in many aspects of "life, liberty
and the pursuit of happiness."
If you think that color-blindness or avoidance of race will
instill tolerance in your kids, consider this: Kids stick with their own
ethnicity and develop racial biases even without words or actions from their
parents. In one study, 3 year-olds were given a stack of cards with people on
them, and asked to sort them into two piles, however they wish. 68% of the kids
used race to split the pile, without any prompting whatsoever. They had already
learned them as two dichotomies and sorted them accordingly. In another study,
most showed racial preferences at as young as 30 months. That's two and a half
years old! So while you may think that calling attention to different skin
colors will make them notice it more, the truth is that they notice it no
matter what, and it’s our job to supplement that noticing with knowledge and
empathy.
By the way, I have an inherent issue with the term
“color-blindness.” It’s the same issue I take with people who scoff at the word
feminism and call themselves “egalitarians.” When you refuse to acknowledge a
sect of our population that is being oppressed in favor of saying that everyone
is oppressed in some way, or that everyone is the same, you are being ignorant
and disrespectful. We can’t operate on a baseline assumption that we are all treated
the same; that’s a false assumption. We have to acknowledge other races and the
inequalities that they face, just like we have to acknowledge the inequalities
that women face. When black people are telling you that they are facing some
serious prejudice and racism as a people, and hold signs and tweet that “Black
lives matter” to call attention to the problem, and you completely ignore their
point and retort “ALL lives matter!” you’re being kind of an asshole.
Institutionalized racism exists in this country, and it’s a huge
problem. If you think otherwise, you are delusional. We have to start asking
ourselves why we value white people’s lives more than other races, and what we
can do to stop it. And now we come back around to our point: One way to combat
racism is talking to your kids about race!
So how can we go about tackling this touchy subject while being as
candid as possible? Turns out there are some pretty solid strategies out there.
The first and best way to approach it is simply to open the lines
of communication. Even if you don’t have a script or know exactly what to say,
you need to bring it up, and more than once. You also need to make sure that
you have meaningful dialogue; don’t just mention it in passing. It won’t do for
you to simply say “You know, we are all the same on the inside, so we should
accept all people. Don’t be a racist, mmkay?” That’s not enough! You should
really try to engage them in discussion because that’s where they are going to
start forming their own opinions based on the evidence they are given.
Kristina Olson, a University of Washington
psychologist, said “Don’t you want to be
the one to suggest to them—early on, before they do form those
preconceptions—something positive [about other races] rather than let them pick
up something negative?” That’s a great strategy, and one I use for several
topics with my kids including teaching them about different religions, issues
with LGBTQ rights, income inequality, sexism and more.
"And that’s why, Timmy, we are living in a racist, sexist, capitalistic society that promotes business over people, every man for himself, and giving more rights to blobs of cells than to human beings."
Any questions? Wait, why are crying?!"
If you’re having trouble getting the conversation rolling, a great
place to start is to sit down and watch a show or movie with them, play a video
game, or flip through a magazine. (Flip through a magazine…do people even still
do that? I do it at the nail salon sometimes.) I have advocated watching media
with your kids in a few of my other posts, and that’s because it is so damn
valuable for teaching your kids and having meaningful discussions. The amount
and type of media kids consume can do a lot of indirect teaching about societal
norms, and you are their primary interceptor for that. You can be the
gatekeeper who decides if they accept it blindly, or if they need direction or
clarification. This is especially important if they are watching stuff with
more mature themes in it, like violence or sex. And allowing your kid to see
part of that (even very mild mature themes) and talking about what they mean makes
you pretty flippin’ cool.
My own example: My kids like watching music videos on Youtube, and
one of the songs they love (thanks to my brother) is “Anna Sun” by Walk the
Moon.
But after watching it with them a few times, something hit me.
That video is literally filled with white people. Almost completely, 100% white
people! Now for some videos that wouldn’t be a problem depending on how many
people are in the video, but the singer walks through this huge ‘80s party,
with several rooms full of people, does a choreographed number with about 12
other people, and then rounds up a bunch of his friends for some sort of tribal
(boho?) jam session in an empty field. (Cultural appropriation, too? Oh this
just keeps getting better!) And yet, pretty much only white people! There could
be a number of reasons for this disparity, but that was definitely a
conversation starter. Why are there so many white people in this music video?!
The beauty of these conversations is that there have been studies
where they really have improved racial attitudes in children. The same thing
happened in a recent study of children who read the Harry Potter book series.
The study found that after reading the series, the kids were more empathetic
and less prejudiced toward minority groups.
I don’t need another reason to read the Harry Potter books with my
kids, to be honest. I live and breathe Harry Potter. My home is filled with
Harry Potter themed décor and I don’t give a shit if you like it or not because
my Harry Potter is all up in your face, all the time. Still, this is a great
reason to pick up those books and give ‘em a read with your kids.
Look at those bad-asses. Sass game: Strong
Another way I have brought up the idea of race with my kids is
talking about current events. As I’m sure you well know, several highly
publicized killings of young black men (and some very suspicious deaths of some
women) by police officers has sparked a national debate about whether or not
blacks are treated poorly by police (they are), and if police are let off the
hook too easily for gravely overstepping their bounds when interacting with
civilians (they are). If a racist ass-cactus like Donald Trump says that a
police officer acted too aggressively toward a black woman at a traffic stop,
maybe we actually have a problem.
Anyone want to kiss this disgusting sack of shit?
So back to ‘the talk’. I very simply told my kids on the way home
from school one day that I was particularly troubled by all of the young black people
who are dying at the hands of police officers. Why would white people, who are
caught on camera acting belligerently toward police, get off with a warning or
get left alone, when a black person is likely to be shot for simply being
confrontational as their white counterparts do? Why is it when white kids
misbehave, they are being “rowdy”, but when black kids do, they are considered “thugs”?
This sort of discussion may seem heavy for your kids, and it’s
probably not right for reeeally young children, but my oldest is 7, and with
the conversations that we have, I know he is mature enough to hear it and offer
his opinion. And that is how simple you can make it; just ask them what they
think. If they really aren’t interested in the conversation, don’t push it too
aggressively. The last thing you want to do is push them away. And try not to lecture
or force them around to your way of thinking. I said “You know, a lot of people
think that black people are treated differently just because of the color of
their skin. What do you think of that? Do you think it’s right to treat someone
different because of how they look, or what skin color they have?” Listening to
their answers will give you some insight on the decision making and thought
patterns inside their heads, and you can offer them alternative perspectives to
help them in that process.
"You know, I don't have a problem with heterosexuals, I just wish they weren't so
'up in your face' about it."
Lastly, if you can, you should try to surround yourself with a
diverse group of friends. It doesn’t help when our friends and neighbors are
all the same race as we are, and the only people we spend time with are white. When
white kids are surrounded by nothing but white people throughout their lives, they
quickly assimilate into that group and tend to stick with it even throughout
high school and college. So while your words may say that we should all be
treated equally and that we are all the same on the inside, if they have grown
up around nothing but white people and haven't been able to forge any
relationships with other races, nor seen you forging any, they are likely to
remain that way. Please note, this does not mean you go out and find a “token
black friend” and attach yourself to them. Try to forge new friendships
organically, and encourage your kids to do the same. Then you can take the
opportunity to talk about the different friends you have, their races, how they
are different and how they are the same.
More importantly, don’t discourage honest questioning about the
topic from your kids, embrace it and try to work with them to figure it out. We
shouldn't be afraid to say "black", or feel uncomfortable and shush
our child when he asks questions about why some people have different skin
colors or features. In fact, it’s important to note that all of humankind
evolved from our ancestors in Africa, and early in our evolution we all had
dark skin before moving to new places where we did not need dark skin to
protect us from the sun all the time! We all came from the same early ancestors
and no particular race from the human species evolved more or better than
others. Race, like gender, is nothing but a social construct used to categorize
people based on culture, tradition and location.
We want kids to point out things that are different and think
critically, that's how they learn! If you don’t acknowledge that there is a
difference between white and black, then you are leaving it up to them to
navigate that complex issue and figure it out themselves, and that can be
marred with a bad experience or even one negative interaction. Think
about what went through your head when you were deciding what to name your
child. Chances are, if you came across a name of someone you didn’t like, even
in the distant past, you probably skipped that name without much thought. That
one asshole left a bad taste in your mouth and permanently ruined that name for
you. What a dick.
Don’t let that happen to your kids. Don’t let them have a
confrontation with someone from another race and automatically just that
confrontation to fuel a prejudice against all people from that race. White people have done some ugly things to minorities to maintain their status at the top, and it's our responsibility to teach the next generation to be better.
Note: if you want some awesome, fast ideas on teaching your kids about diversity, check out this page: http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/parenting/school-age/10-ways-to-teach-kids-about-diversity
Sources:
http://www.upworthy.com/think-racism-isn-t-an-issue-anymore-oh-have-i-got-an-infographic-for-you-css
http://blog.world-mysteries.com/science/how-many-major-races-are-there-in-the-world/http://parentingbeyondbelief.com/parents/?p=215
http://www.buzzfeed.com/nicholasquah/heres-a-timeline-of-unarmed-black-men-killed-by-police-over#.qdxV3NrZB
