Archive for 2015
Why You Need to Talk to Your Kids About Race (Especially if You're White)
Parents, you need to talk to your kids about race. In this post, I am going to give you some ideas on how to get started. Honestly, this may be one of the toughest blog posts I have ever written. It
is especially heavy to me because of the current social unrest over the tragic deaths
of Freddie Gray, Eric Garner, John Crawford III, Michael Brown, Jr., Tamir Rice, and most recently, the mysterious death of Sandra Bland while in police
custody after an altercation with a police officer over a traffic violation. All of the aforementioned people are black. Like it or not, race is a hot button issue in our country, and it's time we stepped up as a nation and stopped pretending like it doesn't exist or sweeping it under the rug.
Because I want to give you the most accurate data possible, I
spend a lot of time doing research for each of my posts. Of course I include
many of my own opinions as well, but this post has taken quite a bit more
research than what I’ve gathered for most of my other content-heavy topics. I've been following the cases above nonstop over the last year. I've dug up as much information as I can. This
is one of the most serious and sensitive topics I've ever delved into, and it's one I am deeply passionate about. Learning about race is difficult. Teaching about race is even harder. Couple that with the fact that I am white, and it can be a recipe for disaster.
"It's everywhere you want to be."
I will be the first to admit that everything I explain here comes
from the vantage point of an upper-middle class, highly privileged white woman.
I have no anecdotal evidence on anything but being a white person looking at it
from the outside. I won't ever pretend to understand what other races go
through on a daily basis in this country, but I am hoping to share some facts
and data I’ve found that will shed some light on it that you can in turn use to
talk to your kids about.
And Spongebob seems to have neither of those things.
The fact of the matter is that most people are afraid to talk
about race. White people, especially. It is such a taboo subject; really
intimidating. Instead we sweep it under the rug, and pretend like it doesn't
exist. Then when our kid brings it up and asks a question about it, we are appalled
and immediately shush them, especially if it’s in public. I know many parents
(myself included) who would be horrified if their child loudly exclaimed something
about another race in public. In fact, a
few weeks ago I was at Target with the kids and there were two Asian women
behind us, talking. I wasn’t really listening or paying attention to them, but
I did notice as I was half listening that they were not speaking English. And
apparently Ash noticed, too, because he loudly said “WHY DO SOME PEOPLE SPEAK
SPANISH, MOM?” And I just went beet red. That is a totally harmless question,
aside from the fact that he erroneously guessed the language they were
speaking. And yet the fact that he pointed out that they were different than us
and were speaking a different language had me totally mortified. Why? Would it
have been the same if he asked me why some people have blonde hair? Absolutely
not. Then I could easily go into a talk about DNA and dominant and recessive
genes (because I would totally teach my four year-old that shit…shut up)
without hesitation. But when it has anything to do with race or racial
differences, I clam up.
Yeah yeah, cute kid. But does he know The
air-speed velocity of an
unladen swallow?
There is a big problem with white parents not talking about race
with their kids. Many of us think, hey, if we aren't outwardly racist and don't
say or do things that would paint other races in a negative light, then we
should be fine. Kids learn racism from imitation, from the way we talk and act
toward others, right? Many people have mistakenly decided to adopt a stance of
color-blindness as a way to combat racism. If we pretend like we are all equal
and the same, then we pretty much are! We are all on an equal footing, so there
is no reason for anyone to feel singled out, and no prejudice, right? The thing
is, we are not all on an equal
footing. Whether you believe it or not, minorities, especially black
people, are at a distinct disadvantage in many aspects of "life, liberty
and the pursuit of happiness."
If you think that color-blindness or avoidance of race will
instill tolerance in your kids, consider this: Kids stick with their own
ethnicity and develop racial biases even without words or actions from their
parents. In one study, 3 year-olds were given a stack of cards with people on
them, and asked to sort them into two piles, however they wish. 68% of the kids
used race to split the pile, without any prompting whatsoever. They had already
learned them as two dichotomies and sorted them accordingly. In another study,
most showed racial preferences at as young as 30 months. That's two and a half
years old! So while you may think that calling attention to different skin
colors will make them notice it more, the truth is that they notice it no
matter what, and it’s our job to supplement that noticing with knowledge and
empathy.
By the way, I have an inherent issue with the term
“color-blindness.” It’s the same issue I take with people who scoff at the word
feminism and call themselves “egalitarians.” When you refuse to acknowledge a
sect of our population that is being oppressed in favor of saying that everyone
is oppressed in some way, or that everyone is the same, you are being ignorant
and disrespectful. We can’t operate on a baseline assumption that we are all treated
the same; that’s a false assumption. We have to acknowledge other races and the
inequalities that they face, just like we have to acknowledge the inequalities
that women face. When black people are telling you that they are facing some
serious prejudice and racism as a people, and hold signs and tweet that “Black
lives matter” to call attention to the problem, and you completely ignore their
point and retort “ALL lives matter!” you’re being kind of an asshole.
Institutionalized racism exists in this country, and it’s a huge
problem. If you think otherwise, you are delusional. We have to start asking
ourselves why we value white people’s lives more than other races, and what we
can do to stop it. And now we come back around to our point: One way to combat
racism is talking to your kids about race!
So how can we go about tackling this touchy subject while being as
candid as possible? Turns out there are some pretty solid strategies out there.
The first and best way to approach it is simply to open the lines
of communication. Even if you don’t have a script or know exactly what to say,
you need to bring it up, and more than once. You also need to make sure that
you have meaningful dialogue; don’t just mention it in passing. It won’t do for
you to simply say “You know, we are all the same on the inside, so we should
accept all people. Don’t be a racist, mmkay?” That’s not enough! You should
really try to engage them in discussion because that’s where they are going to
start forming their own opinions based on the evidence they are given.
Kristina Olson, a University of Washington
psychologist, said “Don’t you want to be
the one to suggest to them—early on, before they do form those
preconceptions—something positive [about other races] rather than let them pick
up something negative?” That’s a great strategy, and one I use for several
topics with my kids including teaching them about different religions, issues
with LGBTQ rights, income inequality, sexism and more.
"And that’s why, Timmy, we are living in a racist, sexist, capitalistic society that promotes business over people, every man for himself, and giving more rights to blobs of cells than to human beings."
Any questions? Wait, why are crying?!"
If you’re having trouble getting the conversation rolling, a great
place to start is to sit down and watch a show or movie with them, play a video
game, or flip through a magazine. (Flip through a magazine…do people even still
do that? I do it at the nail salon sometimes.) I have advocated watching media
with your kids in a few of my other posts, and that’s because it is so damn
valuable for teaching your kids and having meaningful discussions. The amount
and type of media kids consume can do a lot of indirect teaching about societal
norms, and you are their primary interceptor for that. You can be the
gatekeeper who decides if they accept it blindly, or if they need direction or
clarification. This is especially important if they are watching stuff with
more mature themes in it, like violence or sex. And allowing your kid to see
part of that (even very mild mature themes) and talking about what they mean makes
you pretty flippin’ cool.
My own example: My kids like watching music videos on Youtube, and
one of the songs they love (thanks to my brother) is “Anna Sun” by Walk the
Moon.
But after watching it with them a few times, something hit me.
That video is literally filled with white people. Almost completely, 100% white
people! Now for some videos that wouldn’t be a problem depending on how many
people are in the video, but the singer walks through this huge ‘80s party,
with several rooms full of people, does a choreographed number with about 12
other people, and then rounds up a bunch of his friends for some sort of tribal
(boho?) jam session in an empty field. (Cultural appropriation, too? Oh this
just keeps getting better!) And yet, pretty much only white people! There could
be a number of reasons for this disparity, but that was definitely a
conversation starter. Why are there so many white people in this music video?!
The beauty of these conversations is that there have been studies
where they really have improved racial attitudes in children. The same thing
happened in a recent study of children who read the Harry Potter book series.
The study found that after reading the series, the kids were more empathetic
and less prejudiced toward minority groups.
I don’t need another reason to read the Harry Potter books with my
kids, to be honest. I live and breathe Harry Potter. My home is filled with
Harry Potter themed décor and I don’t give a shit if you like it or not because
my Harry Potter is all up in your face, all the time. Still, this is a great
reason to pick up those books and give ‘em a read with your kids.
Look at those bad-asses. Sass game: Strong
Another way I have brought up the idea of race with my kids is
talking about current events. As I’m sure you well know, several highly
publicized killings of young black men (and some very suspicious deaths of some
women) by police officers has sparked a national debate about whether or not
blacks are treated poorly by police (they are), and if police are let off the
hook too easily for gravely overstepping their bounds when interacting with
civilians (they are). If a racist ass-cactus like Donald Trump says that a
police officer acted too aggressively toward a black woman at a traffic stop,
maybe we actually have a problem.
Anyone want to kiss this disgusting sack of shit?
So back to ‘the talk’. I very simply told my kids on the way home
from school one day that I was particularly troubled by all of the young black people
who are dying at the hands of police officers. Why would white people, who are
caught on camera acting belligerently toward police, get off with a warning or
get left alone, when a black person is likely to be shot for simply being
confrontational as their white counterparts do? Why is it when white kids
misbehave, they are being “rowdy”, but when black kids do, they are considered “thugs”?
This sort of discussion may seem heavy for your kids, and it’s
probably not right for reeeally young children, but my oldest is 7, and with
the conversations that we have, I know he is mature enough to hear it and offer
his opinion. And that is how simple you can make it; just ask them what they
think. If they really aren’t interested in the conversation, don’t push it too
aggressively. The last thing you want to do is push them away. And try not to lecture
or force them around to your way of thinking. I said “You know, a lot of people
think that black people are treated differently just because of the color of
their skin. What do you think of that? Do you think it’s right to treat someone
different because of how they look, or what skin color they have?” Listening to
their answers will give you some insight on the decision making and thought
patterns inside their heads, and you can offer them alternative perspectives to
help them in that process.
"You know, I don't have a problem with heterosexuals, I just wish they weren't so
'up in your face' about it."
Lastly, if you can, you should try to surround yourself with a
diverse group of friends. It doesn’t help when our friends and neighbors are
all the same race as we are, and the only people we spend time with are white. When
white kids are surrounded by nothing but white people throughout their lives, they
quickly assimilate into that group and tend to stick with it even throughout
high school and college. So while your words may say that we should all be
treated equally and that we are all the same on the inside, if they have grown
up around nothing but white people and haven't been able to forge any
relationships with other races, nor seen you forging any, they are likely to
remain that way. Please note, this does not mean you go out and find a “token
black friend” and attach yourself to them. Try to forge new friendships
organically, and encourage your kids to do the same. Then you can take the
opportunity to talk about the different friends you have, their races, how they
are different and how they are the same.
More importantly, don’t discourage honest questioning about the
topic from your kids, embrace it and try to work with them to figure it out. We
shouldn't be afraid to say "black", or feel uncomfortable and shush
our child when he asks questions about why some people have different skin
colors or features. In fact, it’s important to note that all of humankind
evolved from our ancestors in Africa, and early in our evolution we all had
dark skin before moving to new places where we did not need dark skin to
protect us from the sun all the time! We all came from the same early ancestors
and no particular race from the human species evolved more or better than
others. Race, like gender, is nothing but a social construct used to categorize
people based on culture, tradition and location.
We want kids to point out things that are different and think
critically, that's how they learn! If you don’t acknowledge that there is a
difference between white and black, then you are leaving it up to them to
navigate that complex issue and figure it out themselves, and that can be
marred with a bad experience or even one negative interaction. Think
about what went through your head when you were deciding what to name your
child. Chances are, if you came across a name of someone you didn’t like, even
in the distant past, you probably skipped that name without much thought. That
one asshole left a bad taste in your mouth and permanently ruined that name for
you. What a dick.
Don’t let that happen to your kids. Don’t let them have a
confrontation with someone from another race and automatically just that
confrontation to fuel a prejudice against all people from that race. White people have done some ugly things to minorities to maintain their status at the top, and it's our responsibility to teach the next generation to be better.
Note: if you want some awesome, fast ideas on teaching your kids about diversity, check out this page: http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/parenting/school-age/10-ways-to-teach-kids-about-diversity
Sources:
http://www.upworthy.com/think-racism-isn-t-an-issue-anymore-oh-have-i-got-an-infographic-for-you-css
http://blog.world-mysteries.com/science/how-many-major-races-are-there-in-the-world/http://parentingbeyondbelief.com/parents/?p=215
http://www.buzzfeed.com/nicholasquah/heres-a-timeline-of-unarmed-black-men-killed-by-police-over#.qdxV3NrZB
Evidence Based Parenting (I Love Science!)
Are you a kid person? When I had my
first, after a while I realized I just didn’t “get” children, and as I have
taken more of an active role in learning about parenting, I have noticed the
same trait in a lot of other people. I’m not saying any of you are bad parents;
quite the contrary. Most parents I encounter are doing the best they can with
the information they have. You're working your ass off for those kids. All of you! Well, except maybe these people:
That's gonna go in the family album.
License to chill.
Anyway, we are doing a job that few are prepared for, and we're getting less help and support than ever before. I just think we have all been
given a lot of misinformation and been encouraged to trust our gut and listen
to family and friends before turning to evidence and science when it comes to
questions about parenting. When I say science I mean biology, zoology,
psychology, neuroscience and beyond. As parents we have a wealth of knowledge
at our disposal...CALLED THE INTERWEBZ! And yet I notice that some of the biggest debates are about spanking. Wtf.
Parents just seem to rely too much on intuition about how to raise kids, and a lot of times it can be misguided. We like to joke that our babies didn’t come with instruction manuals, and it’s true. People will have us believe that once that baby is in our arms, our parental instinct kicks in, and all of a sudden we know how to raise a child. Not so. The only instinct that kicks in after birth is the biological drive to protect our children. Beyond that, the rest is pretty much multiple choice. I don’t personally know any parents with a degree in child psychology. Chances are, if you are like most parents, you’ve read one or two parenting books (if any at all) and relied on your own common sense from there on out, perhaps Googling a few topics here and there or asking your parents what they did when you grew up.
If you cross your eyes for too long, they'll stick that way! FOREVER!
When Danny was first born and throughout his first year, I
did the same. But I was at a distinct disadvantage from everyone else. My
closest cousins and aunts were 1500 miles away. I did not grow up around anyone
who had a baby. My childhood was unstable at best, so I wasn't really interested in drawing from my own experiences with my parents. I knew almost nothing about
raising a child. So for the first year, I got advice from the people around me,
I checked out Baby Center every so often, I read “Confident Baby Care” by Jo
Frost, and I thought I was good to go. But then something changed. I don’t know what. It was so long ago now.
But somewhere along the line I became seriously interested in parenting. Not merely to get by, not to
make the best of a not-so-ideal situation (I was 20 when I had Danny), but to
really thrive and be the best parent that I could be. So I started reading.
Then I enrolled in school. And I just never stopped learning, and I never
stopped reading.
Parenting has just become my thing. Not that I am
particularly good or skilled, I trip up all the time and scar my children for
life….BUT I have made it my mission to learn everything I can about parenting,
and now that I am armed with more information than ever before, I realized in
the process I adopted a stance on parenting that is called evidence-based, which
is less about your own experiences and more about…well…evidence. For someone
who had no experience or solid intuition about child-rearing, why not look into
child psychology and scientific research on raising children?
Well it seems to be working. I have great kids. They’re
funny and curious, sensitive and generous and positive, and when I look at them
I just can’t believe that something so perfect came out of my own body. Just
the other day, Danny told me that he doesn’t like that there are so many people
in the world who don’t have enough to eat, and asked me if there was anything
our family could do about it. And when I got out of the shower the other day, I
found a small shoebox with a bow on top. Inside were some Legos and a car that
Ash wrapped up as a “present” for me. Today, he brought me flowers from outside
and told me I am special to him. We made a fire in our backyard earlier tonight
so we could toast marshmallows and make S’mores, and the whole time we were
outside Katy was shouting “Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!” although in reality
it sounded more like “Hap-Birday!” and my heart just melted if only because she
equates fire with birthday candles. Kids are so…fucking…amazing.
Just look at that face.
Of course, they’re not perfect. Just the other day, I
jokingly told Danny he is the king of throwing the baby out with the bathwater
after he went on a tirade about spilled popcorn, and he very seriously said “Well,
you’re the queen of being a rude mom.” Ash recently told me to go live in the
woods when I told him he couldn’t have a popsicle before dinner. Harsh
punishment, but can you blame him? Popsicles are freakin’ delicious.
But I digress. I adopted evidence based parenting because I
wanted a closer relationship with my kids, I wanted to send kids out into the
world that were happy and well-adjusted. I wanted to make the hardest job in
the world most rewarding for both me and my kids. And from everything I’ve
learned, I have noticed there are some things parents seem to be stumbling on
that science (yay, science!) can help with.
I’ve mentioned this before in a post, but I still think that
we have a habit of treating our kids as mini grown-ups; basically expecting
them to be smaller and less refined versions of ourselves. Nothing could be
further from the truth. Take toddlers for example.
If you notice a small child acting up, you usually
see the parent speaking dangerously low in hushed tones telling them to calm
down, sit still, get back over here, put the damn Oreos down because we aren’t
getting those today…any number of pleads and threats. OR they are speaking with
a nice, calm and soothing voice and using perfectly sound reason and logic. Funny thing, it usually doesn’t work. The thing is, kids that age
are completely at the mercy of their right brain; they’re impulsive and
uncivilized and absolutely humiliating in a public place. (I give up wine for 9 months, have a multitude of stretch marks and
haven’t felt fully rested since 2007, and you do me like this, in a grocery store over some cookies? Ungrateful. Selfish.)
You can see it in her devilish eyes; she has already planned her next tantrum.
It seems the problem we have is with the way we are trying
to calm them down. We are patient, rational and calm, assuming that our demeanor will influence theirs. In The
Happiest Toddler on the Block, Dr. Harvey Karp mentions using a method
called ‘Toddlerese’, where you mimic their energy level and emotions to show
them that you GET IT, you know they’re upset and you know why! It kind of makes
you sound like a caveman “Katy MAD! Katy want cookie NOW! Katy doesn’t want to
sit! Katy says NO NO NO!” and it’s embarrassing and stupid and I hate doing it,
but dude…it works. I’m not joking. It really flipping works.
So in that case, we try the Toddlerese because the evidence
shows that being rational does not work with toddlers. We ignore our knee-jerk
reaction to soothe in favor of evidence to the contrary. Something that
legitimately works.
Another example is teenagers. I recently read a book called Nurture Shock, and they did a fantastic
chapter called “The Science of Teen Rebellion.” Basically, they hooked up a bunch of
kids and adults to an MRI machine, and gave them prompts about certain
behaviors, asking them whether they thought the behaviors were good ideas or
bad ideas. Some of the good were things like walking the dog, going to the beach, etc. and
some of the bad were chewing on a light bulb or lighting your hair
on fire. When it came to the dangerous behaviors, the adult’s brains lit up
immediately as a bad idea; they answered instinctively. Teenagers? Not so much.
Yes, they did correctly choose which behaviors were good and bad, but they had
to go through a whole decision making process before answering. The brain scans
did not detect an automatic response as with the adults. The difference?
Experience.
But sure, let's blame all their shortcomings on cell phones!
The same goes for risk taking and poor decision making. I am
sure you’ve experienced a parent yelling at their teenager who jumped off the
roof in a dare and broke their leg. “What were you thinking? What a stupid,
irresponsible thing to do! Do you have a brain in there? I thought you knew
better than that!” Well, yes, they have a brain. But it’s not fully developed
yet, specifically the prefrontal cortex. It doesn’t develop completely until their
mid to late twenties, and guess which functions the prefrontal cortex manages…reasoning
and risk assessment! This also explains why they
are so prone to peer pressure and impulsive behavior. The reward centers in
their brain have, in essence, hijacked their prefrontal cortex and the
temporary high or “reward” they get for their impulsivity eclipses any thoughts
about what could happen.
Jackass: Generations
As a matter of fact, in the same book, there is another MRI study. During the test, the
teens were put in front of a screen and asked to rate their favorite music,
TV shows, celebrities, etc. While answering, they started seeing usernames and
preferences of “other” teenagers pop up randomly on their screen. (There weren't any) At that
realization - that their own preferences could be up for everyone else to see, the
danger and distress levels in their brains immediately lit up. The idea that
their choices in music or clothing would be displayed publicly panicked them.
The brilliant quote at the end of the chapter reads: “That’s the teen brain at fifteen in a nutshell – fearless to jumping
off roofs, but terrified of having its love of Nickelback exposed.”
Take a swig of this MD 20/20 or you're out of the band!
So that’s the “thing.” That’s the evidence. It’s not just
hormones, and our teenagers aren’t just plain stupid. Their brain just works in
different ways and our approach to communicating with them should be altered
accordingly.
Let’s look at an even simpler example. A few decades ago,
parenting “experts” decided that kids needed self-esteem to become high
functioning, confident adults, and thus the era of praise was born. In the last
5 years, however, that has taken quite a turn. The evidence showed that
consistent, over the top praise of the child’s talents and gifts was actually destructive to their self-esteem, doing
the opposite of what we wanted. Instead, we now offer praise for specific
behaviors and acknowledge the child’s work ethic, rather than fawning over a
natural talent. For example “You aced that test! You’re a genius! You’re a math whiz!” That’s a
no-no. Instead, we say “Wow, you did great on that test! You turned in every
piece of homework, studied hard and got extra help when you needed it. You really
earned that grade!” We aren’t setting them up for failure in the future by
insisting they have a natural gift. We are acknowledging that their achievement
came from the amount of effort they put in. Evidence indicates that doing the
latter will encourage them to put the burden of achievement on their
persistence, rather than their innate abilities.
It's okay, sweetie. You'll get by somehow.
Next, and though I really don’t want to get into it, I WILL. We can
use evidence for the vaccination debate. Mountains of evidence show that
vaccines are safe; that they don’t cause autism, and they have worked to all
but eradicate many serious diseases that at one time had (literally and
figuratively) crippled us as a population. All of the evidence we have at our
disposal points to vaccines being perfectly safe to administer to children,
even in the doses and schedules the AAP currently recommends. But then a few
people come along shouting about chemicals, and scary things like autism and
mercury and aluminum, and they’re shouting really loud…appealing to every
parent’s biggest fear: Their child’s safety. Don’t every parent’s ears perk up
when they hear those buzzwords? Mine do. And
they got to a lot of us. A few loud-mouths fabricated some studies and
wrote some books and claimed that “Big Pharma” was trying to inject our kids
with poison, and they got a national platform, and a lot of people listened,
and now we are facing measles and pertussis in epidemic proportions…gahhhh!
"No need, Doc. My life coach told me all I need to do is meditate and I won't get the flu."
Our worries about safety and GMO’s and gluten and our
confidence in our own ability to determine how much formaldehyde we should ingest has us ignoring our medically trained doctors
and running to homeopaths in droves. We want natural! Give us natural remedies for serious ailments! Don’t fill
my kid up with your unnatural chemicals; modern medicine is a SHAM! So now,
instead of giving our copays to trained doctors and trusting decades of peer reviewed medical
research, we’re shelling out money to people like Dr. Oz, who insist our bikini
bodies are just a few goji berries away, and our kids’ serious illnesses can be
cured with diluted lavender essence.
Let’s move on. There are a ton of parenting decisions and
situations that call for the “traditional” way of doing things; or just what
“feels right”, but could be better solved using science and evidence.
You've heard about “spoiling” babies by holding them too much?
Someone in your family will always tell you not to hold the baby too
much or it will become spoiled and never be able to self soothe. Wrong.
Research shows that infants whose needs are attended to quickly and who are
held consistently by caregivers grow into babies and toddlers who are more
confident, less whiny and have a more secure connection with their caregivers. Leaving
your infant alone to soothe himself or letting him “cry it out” significantly
increases his cortisol (stress hormone) levels. Babies who eventually learn to cry
themselves to sleep aren’t soothing themselves; they have become resigned to
the fact that no one is going to come and comfort them. It's okay. Go to your baby.
How about our obsession with over
scheduling activities and our push for academics
as early as humanly possible? Over and over again science shows that
unstructured and pretend play are things that not only stimulate our children
and entertain them, they also make them smarter, creative and imaginative and
less likely to get bored when they don’t have an activity planned. And yet we still we look for the highest rated preschools, we
push our kids to do more homework, to study and play piano and lacrosse and
then get them a tutor in math to get into a good college. To add that,
kids are, on average, are getting two less hours of sleep during the night than they did
in the 1970s, which gives them trouble with concentration and memory, and are subsequently more
anxious, and at a higher risk for becoming depressed and overweight. Yikes. Give yourself a break. Put
out a big cardboard box and just watch them go crazy.
Boyz only. No girls allowed. WAIT...GET OUT OF HERE, EMMA!
And finally, to wrap up my thoughts on evidence based
parenting, I highly recommend you look into authoritative parenting style,
because it has been shown to be the most effective style to raise kids who are
happy and healthy, who are empathetic to others and who have a great
relationship with their parents. Also,
read Nurture Shock and All Joy and No Fun to get some high level thinking
on modern parenting theory and how it’s affecting society. They are less “How-To”
and more about challenging our thinking on traditional parenting.
Thanks for reading, stay curious, stay informed, and as always.....
Sources
The Battle between Good and Evil
The Hero and the Villain. The good guy and the bad guy. A yin to a yang. Two sides of the same coin. Every story has a protagonist and an antagonist. It is tropes like these that we all love to watch and read; as a rule, people love watching the good guy defeat the bad guy and keep the evil at bay. We hate evil! Down with evil! EVIL, EVIL, EVIL!
All he wants is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads!
What do I mean when I say good and evil? How do you define what is considered good and what isn’t? Well when you ask someone, they may point to characters from books or movies who are traditionally considered "evil", or maybe some mass murderer or terrorist. Hitler or Stalin usually top the list when people need to categorize evil quickly. However, if you try to explain exactly what makes someone evil, you may have some trouble. We like to think that evil is self-evident, but it’s not. Things that are considered ‘good’ or ‘evil’ to me may not be thought of that way by you. Any ideal about what we think of as right or wrong can be argued the opposite way by another. Just look at the practice of spanking. Some people think it’s fundamentally wrong and abusive, and some people think it is necessary and teaches obedience and self-control. Both of those are moral arguments. Both can be defended as good or bad. The ideas of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ are completely subjective. There are differences in ideas about good and evil throughout different countries, religions, political ideologies and cultures. Both sides of the debate are confident in their “rightness”, and we don’t have one definition that everyone follows.
How do our kids learn about good and evil, or know what behaviors and feelings constitute one or the other? Early in life parents and people close to them socialize, whether directly or indirectly. We try to teach our toddlers to share, our older kids not to cheat or lie, and our teenagers not to steal or bully others. We reinforce good behavior and correct unwanted behavior. Why? Morality is the answer for me. But what is underneath that? Why do we instill morals in our children? In my opinion, the idea of altruism and being “good for goodness sake” is an evolutionary trait. Sure, it may have been honed culturally, but the basis of it is biological. We live in a society, a subset of a civilization our ancestors built over thousands of years, and they formed that civilization because they learned that our species survives longer when we work with others. Helping each other and being less selfish and hedonistic is in the best interest of prolonging the human race. That trait is inborn in every single one of us. So to me, that’s where the ideas behind good and evil come from. We learned that being helpful, kind and loving to our fellow humans resulted in longer lives and more offspring. This trait then gets passed on to future generations through the process of evolution, and eventually becomes cemented in the minds of all of us living together. Some philosophers and religious leaders insist that good and evil are a product of culture, and to some extent, I agree. As our species has evolved, we are consistently presented with new ethical dilemmas that we must take a stance on. Things that are foreign to us. Income inequality, women’s rights and civil rights, and the fight for equality from the LGBT community are great examples of culture shaping morality.
By the same token, there are a lot of people and organizations out there who think that morals and the idea of good and evil come not from culture or evolution, but from the Bible. But in keeping with the subjectivity of good and evil, let us also include the Quran, sacred Hindu texts and any other religious text that is supposed to communicate the ideals of their god. For the sake of time, I will just focus on the bible and the Christian god for this post. Theologians and even some philosophers believe that morals are a cultural trait taken straight out of the bible. They think that the word of god and salvation through Jesus is what gives people their ideas of right and wrong, and nothing else. God has told us what is right and what is wrong, his word is infallible, and we must trust him, despite what our gut or judgment tells us. I have a problem with this for several reasons. First, the bible condones things like slavery (Exodus 21), children being mauled by bears for teasing (2 Kings 2:24), killing homosexuals (Leviticus 20:13), and nonbelievers (2 Chronicles 15:12-13) , selling your daughters off like cattle (Exodus 21:7-11), turning people into pillars of salt for looking behind them (Genesis 19:26), and the list goes on. It also condemns things like eating shellfish (Leviticus 11:9-12), wearing fabrics made from mixed fibers (Deuteronomy 22:11), working on the Sabbath (Exodus 31:15) and growing different crops too close together, LEST YOUR LAND BECOME DEFILED (Deuteronomy 22:9). Those are all sins. The last time I checked, most modern day Christians do not honor those rules, but yet they are said to come from God, and as far as I’m aware, he hasn’t come down to tell us otherwise. Yes, it is true the bible includes the ten commandments with things like not stealing, not killing anyone, honoring your mother and father and other things that most people would consider traditionally “good” and not evil, but with everything else it says that is completely horrendous to me, I do not consider it a good source for developing a sense of morality. My children are not good because someone in a story told them what it means to be good, and because if they aren’t they will burn eternally in hellfire. My children will make their choices based on consequences and the type of person they want to be. They don’t need the threat of eternal torture or an all-seeing being looking over their shoulder all the time to make them be good people.
I also really dislike the idea of religion looking at good and evil as only black and white. They consider it a dichotomy, and to me it is a false dichotomy. Get ready, because it’s about to get real. I am going to drop some knowledge from the much revered Sirius Black from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: “We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are.” I completely agree. None of us are born as sinners; as bad people who need to pray and beg for forgiveness to become better. We are all born with a blank slate (unless you’re Voldemort because he was different from day one, like he couldn’t love, and some people think it’s because he was conceived using a love potion but that’s a discussion for another day) and we have the ability to do both good and bad things in our life. We all have thoughts that are good and bad. If someone forgets to ring up the big item you have at the bottom of your cart, have you ever just thought of not saying anything? I mean hey, it’s their mistake, right? Have you ever told someone you like their new haircut when you think it’s awful? Do you consider yourself a bad person for lying, or a good person for sparing their feelings? Any ethical dilemma gives you the opportunity to do the right thing or the wrong thing (subjective!), and what you choose to act on dictates your character. Maybe not even then! If you’ve ever done an ethical dilemma quiz, you will understand just how NOT black and white the idea of good and evil are. The man who steals bread to feed his starving family is breaking the law, but would you sentence him and throw him in jail if his family wouldn’t survive without him? There are tough situations we encounter every day that require us to make a decision based on our best guess or feeling about it. I don’t think it’s fair to use a single book like the bible to base your entire decision making process about what’s right and wrong. And I definitely don’t think it’s fair to condemn other people’s choices and slap that book down when passing judgment. You don’t have any right to do that. And to have a book that is thousands of years old and interpreted differently by pretty much every single person who reads it as your primary source does not instill confidence in your judgment, in my opinion.
I think the idea of good and evil is a continuum. When you’re teaching your kids about how Christianity judges it, in my opinion it is damaging to tell them they are inherently bad as soon as they’re born, and that they have to work to become good and accepted by your god. It’s not healthy for any child to be told they’re ‘bad’ at all, let alone as soon as they are born; something that is completely out of their control!
So my advice is to lay your cards on the table about good and bad, just as I did for you here. Tell them, first of all, that one person’s definition of “good” may not match someone else’s, and sometimes it’s difficult to determine who is actually correct. HOWEVER, do not misunderstand me: there are some exceptions to this rule. Rape, domestic or child abuse, drunk driving, and many types of violence and murder are absolutely unacceptable. You can’t tell your kid that you believe rape is wrong, but that some people don’t feel that way and we need to respect them. That’s not okay. And no one ever deserves to be raped. I just have to throw that in there. Don’t teach your children that any woman or man deserves to be raped based on clothing or behavior. It’s wrong and you are perpetuating violence and the brutalization of victims who truly do not deserve it, no matter what they do. I try to be unbiased on a lot of parenting topics, but some shit I just don’t abide by. Rape and abuse are wrong, as are any justifications of them.
That being said, a good way to talk to your kids about right and wrong is to make a list of family rules and ethics. You can come up with them together and talk them out. That is a great opportunity for everyone to talk about what behavior they feel is wrong, and why. You can usually get a great conversation going. One of your kids may think that it’s always right to share their toys, and another may think that if it’s a toy that belongs to them and is special, then they shouldn’t be required to share it. Many times those ethics and morals differ within each family, and that’s fantastic. You WANT people in your family to differ on their morals and values sometimes. That makes it so much easier to open your mind to other people’s insight and experiences, and that is one of the best ways to grow as a person.
Another way to get your kids thinking about morality is presenting them with some ethical dilemmas and asking them what they would do. Even use something as simple as the man who steals the bread that I mentioned above. You will be really intrigued at the answers they give! One child may say that the man shouldn’t be condemned for feeding his family, and another might say that rules are rules, and laws are made for a reason. You can find some great ethical dilemmas online, but I really like this book if you want something comprehensive:
101 Ethical Dilemmas by Martin Cohen. http://www.amazon.com/101-Ethical-Dilemmas-Martin-Cohen/dp/0415404002/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1421646065&sr=8-1&keywords=ethical+dilemmas+101 or this one is good, too: If You Had to Choose, What Would You Do? By Sandra Mcleod Humphrey. http://www.amazon.com/You-Had-Choose-What-Would/dp/157392010X/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1415652141&sr=8-5&keywords=what+would+you+do
101 Ethical Dilemmas by Martin Cohen. http://www.amazon.com/101-Ethical-Dilemmas-Martin-Cohen/dp/0415404002/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1421646065&sr=8-1&keywords=ethical+dilemmas+101 or this one is good, too: If You Had to Choose, What Would You Do? By Sandra Mcleod Humphrey. http://www.amazon.com/You-Had-Choose-What-Would/dp/157392010X/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1415652141&sr=8-5&keywords=what+would+you+do
And finally, one of my favorite ways to talk about ethics, morals and right and wrong is the inclusion of beloved fictional characters. It is so much easier to teach kids lessons or offer them some wisdom when it is coming through a story or character they already enjoy. I will always resort to wisdom from Harry Potter as my first resource. Kids Everyone loves Harry Potter, (and if you don’t, what’s wrong with you?) and there are some great examples of moral dilemmas and the introduction of what is known as ‘grey’ characters. It is a fantastic source. Dumbledore, Snape, James Potter, Draco Malfoy, any of those would make for a great discussion about their virtues and motivations, with no clear cut answer one way or another. Note: You will notice that younger kids are very quick to point out which characters are good and bad. Toddlers and small children are still developing a social conscience and trying to make sense of the world, so they like putting things in categories to make them easier to understand.
Anyway, for people who really love Harry Potter, or people who can be critical of a character’s development, they will tell you that it’s not so easy to deem someone as good or bad. What about Draco Malfoy? At first glance, many would say he’s evil. I mean, he becomes a death eater for crying out loud! His father was a death eater. He plays host Voldemort in his HOME! But a critical look at his upbringing will show a boy who was spoiled rotten with things and money, but was constantly searching for the approval of a father who would never give it to him. A boy who was socialized and raised to hate from the day he was born. A boy who tried in vain to befriend Harry Potter, but the humiliation from being rejected caused him to scorn and hate. Draco also has second thoughts about his alignments when he is ordered to murder Albus Dumbledore, and later regrets trying so hard to prove himself when faced with the grotesque tasks he is required to perform and witness under Voldemort’s regime.
Another fantastic character from Harry Potter, and probably one that is fought about the most is Severus Snape: a man who bullied children to tears, instilling fear and terror in those who are entrusted to him to learn. A man who has a deep resentment for Harry Potter, but is also charged with keeping him alive and protecting him until the very end. Why did he agree to this? Because of his love for Harry’s mother, Lily. At the end of the story Harry learns that Snape was on his side all along, and even ends up naming one of his children after Snape, deeming him the bravest man he ever knew, but was he brave? Was Snape doing it for all the right reasons? He despised Harry and his father, but only out of a childhood infatuation for Lily did he begrudgingly agree to protect Harry. We like that he protects Harry, and we romanticize his unhealthy attachment to Lily long after her death, but to many more of us, that is kind of a sick motive. There’s another moral issue with Snape, as well. He came from an impoverished, abusive family. He was unloved and became a loner, and was bullied terribly by people at school, most notably Harry’s father, James. It’s no wonder he grew up cold and bitter and hateful, given the background he had to overcome. Is it still his fault? Would you say that Snape was inherently evil to his core, or just a product of his circumstance? That is a great question, and one that many people disagree over even to this day.
The great thing about introducing fictional characters as a way to discuss morality is that you can show your kids that they can still love a character who is morally ambiguous. Some of the best characters are grey; it makes them more human and relatable. It is also a really great way to look at how someone’s past and upbringing has affected their character, whether that be in a positive way or negative.
You can find grey characters and ethical dilemmas in almost every movie you watch with your kids, every book you read and every television show. Sit down with them and watch a movie, and pause during the movie or while reading a book, and ask them to identify whether or not they think the character is good or bad, and why or why not. Pause at an ethical dilemma and ask them what they think is the right or wrong choice. Make sure that you ask them to elaborate on why, and tell them to put themselves in the other person’s position. Empathy is a great way to teach morals. With that in mind, try to avoid correcting them with your own opinions or judgments. If you are asking them to be intellectually honest with their own thoughts about it, then you owe it to them to give them your full attention, and listen without judging them, even if it doesn’t necessarily align with yours. If they think that the Lorax is a self-important jerk and needs to let business grow, (hey, our country adopted capitalism and it’s the richest in the world!) try not to criticize them; be thoughtful about their answers and encourage them to keep learning and asking questions. There’s no bigger discouragement to speaking your mind and being curious than if someone tells you you’re wrong after you confide in them. Especially if they are a child and that person is their parent. Even if they say something totally awful at 8 years old, (she was mean, she deserved to die!) you didn’t fail as a parent; they won’t grow into a heartless serial killer! They are still figuring it all out, and it is your job to encourage that without pushing them away.
What are your thoughts on good and evil, and teaching your kids about right vs. wrong? I am interested to hear how others teach their children about morality. Remember, there are no wrong answers. Sort of.
Further reading:
