Humanist Parenting: Think. Teach. Love.

In the game of parenting, you win or you die. Wait, that’s not true. No one ever wins. You can’t win the game of parenting, because it’s not a game, don’t you know this by now, you amateur? I can’t believe you even considered becoming a parent when you don’t know that. You suck. You’re a sucky parent and you’ll have sucky kids.

One of the beautiful things about being a parent is that the fruits of your labor are evident in the very fabric of our society. Your superb parenting skills contribute to the blossoming of a human being who grows up to entangle themselves in the world around them. But even before they blossom, you get to share your little one’s progress every single day in the form of interaction with other humans. The results of your parental handiwork are put on display every time you walk out the door or invite someone into your home.

The wonderful thing about this is that if you are doing an excellent job, you get some positive attention that has everyone admiring you. The crappy part about it is that almost no one is doing an “excellent job” of parenting that gets wide-spread recognition, because the idea of excellent job is subjective. No matter how fantastic your kids are, or turn out to be, you’re going to get judged for your parenting somewhere along the way. Actually, in this day and age, judgment is at the forefront of every single age and stage in your life as a parent.

Back in the day, most of the irritating judgment and unsolicited advice came from family members. Parents or in-laws telling you that THEY never did it that way, and YOU turned out all right. This generation of parents, however, has it so much worse. It’s coming from all sides, and everyone’s an expert.

To help illustrate this point, let me throw a few buzzwords out there: Attachment, Authoritarian, Sanctimommy, The Mommy Wars, Corporal Punishment, Overpraise, Anti-vaxxer, Helicopter Parent, Extended Breastfeeding, Co-Sleeping….

When any of those words get dropped in modern parenting, be prepared to get bombarded with loud, aggressive opinions. And if you disagree with the person who is offering their opinion, get ready for Defcon 5 because you’re about to start some serious shit.

Parents these days are extremely defensive about their decisions while at the same time extremely offensive to others who don’t agree with them. One reason for this is just how cut-throat it is out there when you’re raising a kid. Every week we are learning new ways our own parents screwed us up, and being inundated with warnings and cautions for our own parenting journey and how to screw our kids up less than we were screwed up. You may realize the pacifier you gave your first child had BPA in it, and now they’re probably going to have cancer in 5 years! A panic sets in and suddenly we are peeking around every corner for the latest threat to our kids’ health and safety.

Couple that with bearing the responsibility of sending an intelligent, caring, well-adjusted human out in the world alone after 18 short years, and you pretty much start questioning every decision you make, and by extension, every decision everyone else makes. We’re all racing against each other not to raise the next Justin Beiber. Or at least, I am. I hate that little shit.

From the time your little one is born, you are thrown so much advice and knowledge about the “right” way to raise a kid. You have so many important decisions to make, and all too often, many people take one small decision you make and use it to determine exactly what kind of parent you are, and what kind of child you will have.

Bottle feed your newborn? Selfish. You’re poisoning your child because you are lazy and want a few extra hours sleep. Oh, you’re uncomfortable breastfeeding because society has taught you that breasts are nothing more than sexual objects? You can’t breastfeed because you don’t have enough supply? You simply don’t want to? Too bad, you screwed up your child for life! BAD. PARENT.

Breastfeed your newborn? Gross. Put that thing away, no one wants to see it! Who do you think you are, whipping your boob out like it was biologically evolved to nourish an infant and act like there’s nothing to be embarrassed about? Don’t you know that breasts are sex objects and not meant to be seen? Please keep your intimate areas private and feed your child in a bathroom stall or in your car. Oh that’s too inconvenient for you? Oh well, should have thought of that before you got knocked up! BAD. PARENT.

This is just the beginning. New parents will get judged by every single person in their life for the remainder of their children growing up. Do you see that brat screaming in the store? It’s probably because his parents don’t discipline him enough. The one dressed in yesterday’s pajamas eating Cheetos? They must REALLY not care about their child’s future! How about the one shooting her brother with fake guns? Ugh, obviously they let her watch WAY too much violent TV.

No wonder everyone is so defensive about their decisions. We get accused of being neglectful or abusive if we’re caught sending a text while our kid plays at the park. We get judged if we spank, and we get judged if we don’t. We get judged if our kids get too much sugar, we get judged if we don’t volunteer in our child’s classroom, we get judged if we swear in front of our kids, we just get judged in general.

People say that parenting has become the new politics or religion. You just don’t talk about it. I don’t like that! I completely disagree. In my opinion, in order for us to grow as a society and raise each generation of children to be smarter, kinder and mo’betta than the last, we need to share ideas. There’s a reason they say that it takes a village to raise a child. And that doesn’t mean throwing your idea out there and then sticking your head in the sand or storming out when someone disagrees with you. It’s okay to disagree on parenting topics. We are different people with different aspirations for our children; that’s why we have scientists and painters, gourmet chefs and auto mechanics. You should foster the traits that you value as a family and that you feel make the most sense for your child’s personality and growth.

Can we all agree that the vast majority of us just want our kids to be happy? Very few parents I know are actively trying to make their kids miserable. We want the best for them. But we don’t have all the answers! No one does! This is why it becomes so important to connect with other people. Learn about other parenting styles, learn the psychology behind it. If someone disagrees with the way you discipline your children, sincerely ask them why they disagree, and listen to their answer. Try to understand it, and take it to heart. That doesn’t mean you’re right or wrong, or need to change your stance. Just look at it as free advice. Process it, then [kindly] offer your own ideas in return. No ad hominem, no accusatory statements; take it as a learning experience rather than a battle that must be won. Other parents aren’t the enemy. They are a valuable resource in our quest to raise happy and healthy kids. Treat it as that, and you will have a lot more knowledge and experience at your disposal, and likely a lot more friends.

I wrote this post for a friend who was looking for advice on dealing with parental judgment. I will talk about specific practices next, but I did want to make sure I shared some of the psychology behind our strongly held beliefs on parenting, and why it’s so easy to judge others for theirs. In order to have less judgment all around, I think it’s important to look inward at our own insecurities, and maybe some ways that we have judged others ourselves.

Now of course, there are going to be some issues you are passionate about that may make you seem judgy. I get hella judgy sometimes. Parents who don’t vaccinate, for one. That is a huge issue for me, so you better believe I won’t keep my mouth shut if you tell me you aren’t vaccinating your kids. That’s not some random study I decided to run with, there is solid, irrefutable evidence that it harms public health and I have rallied against it most aggressively. People who give their toddlers pop. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. That pisses me off and I will let you know all of the negative side effects of giving pop to small children whether you like it or not. But, even though I can get pretty judgy about stuff like that, I genuinely try to avoid calling someone a shitty parent [to their face], and instead offer opinions that are backed by mountains of evidence so they know I’m not just talking out of my ass. I don’t want to just make them feel guilty, I want to help.

Now, on to practical advice for all those parents out there looking for a way to escape from the never ending judgment. The first piece of advice I learned and have seen everywhere is to grow thick skin. Try not to let every negative comment eat at you. You’re going to be hearing stuff from all over the place, and you have to learn to take it all in without losing it. Growing thick skin also includes what I said before about understanding why people judge, and where their advice is coming from. That is going to make it a lot easier to just smile and nod.  

Next, depending on the person you’re getting it from, you can always ignore them. That women on the train who tells you that your 2 year-old should not have a pacifier can go f*%& herself. Don’t say that to her, obviously, but just tell yourself that she tried to do the best she could with the knowledge she had, and if she is really approaching a stranger on public transit to say something so rude and unhelpful, then her life is probably pretty sad. You need to just....

Now it gets trickier if it’s a family member. You obviously can’t ignore them completely, so it’s important that you listen respectfully if they are actually trying to give you advice. Also don’t automatically dispel any advice they give you. There is wisdom in experience. That being said, if you don’t agree, tell them. Simple as that. One of my biggest regrets when Danny was small was not sticking up for myself when someone judged me out loud or gave me advice I didn’t agree with. Stand behind your decisions, and don’t be bullied into doing something you don’t like just because it’s family. Older family members can be pretty opinionated, but you also have a vast arsenal of knowledge and experience at your fingertips every day that they most likely did not.  If the conversation starts to turn sour, adopt an “agree to disagree” stance and ask if you can move on.

It’s going to get a lot worse when your kid goes to school. At this point you are going to deal with parents who don’t want their kid coming over for a random parenting decision you make. (When I was a kid, a friend couldn’t come to my house because my mom smoked cigarettes, even though she smoked outside. These days, you could get on the do not call list if you serve snacks that were made in a factory that also processes peanuts.) You can’t always change their opinion of you, but you can look inward to determine if their judgment of you is warranted. When that happens, the main thing I want you to do is ask yourself a few questions:

Is my child healthy?

Is he happy?

Is he clothed, housed, loved and well-cared for?

Does he have friends?

If you answered yes to all of those questions, then you don’t need to change for anyone else. Then look at the other person’s child and ask yourself the same questions regarding them. Do they look healthy and happy and well-cared for? If so, chances are both of your kids are gonna turn out all right.

Consider that when you fret over your parenting decisions and how others perceive them. We’re all doing the best we can, so instead of vilifying each other for being different, try to learn from one another. That doesn’t mean you have to change to fit someone else’s ideals, but it is so important we put aside the judgments and look at this as a way to grow instead of a war. Ugh, a WAR! That shouldn’t be a thing! Let’s change the way we look at parenting. Let’s try to help each other instead of accuse and scorn. We are raising the next generation of leaders – and I feel [pretty] confident we aren’t going to choose the next President based on whether he or she was bottle or breastfed. As long as he's born in this country and not a Muslim, amirite?