Humanist Parenting: Think. Teach. Love.

Bragging: Every parent does it. It’s impossible not to. Whether on purpose, or inadvertently, it’s far too easy to tell the world how smart and intuitive your little one is. In fact, he’s probably advanced for his age. He knows a LOT more than most other kids. Everyone thinks we should test him for the gifted program when he’s in school….and he’s only 18 months old! He can say his ABCs and count to 20 and he is just so good with all the nursery rhymes!

I understand. I’ve been there. Actually, I’m there right now. My 3 year-old speaks so well that sometimes I have more thought-provoking conversations with him than with my husband. He’s a genius. Ask anyone we know, they’ll tell you.

Just as life is, raising children is but another competition between you and the other parents you encounter. I am sorry to tell you…but in the long run, it really doesn’t matter. At all. In the grand scheme of things, when your child is an adult, no one is going to give a crap that he was the first of all his cousins to learn his letters. (I know, I know, small victories, right?) We all think we have the smartest kids who ever walked the earth. And maybe you do, or maybe I do. It’s good to teach your kids things. It’s good to be educated. Actively engaging with them builds a solid foundation for learning later on. However, I think that sort of knowledge isn’t as important as everyone makes it out to be.

Everywhere I turn I am overwhelmed by the amount of competition between parents on trivial things their kids know. Most parents these days are very good at elementary/academic teaching. But there are many other things we should be teaching our kids that, to me, are far more important. I’m talking about emotional intelligence and character building traits. Psychological development that will raise a good person who can survive without you. Everyone is in a frenzy making sure their kids only watch educational TV shows (they don’t exist, by the way, TV is TV and works very poorly as an instrument of active learning for young children), practicing flash cards and trying to get them to count everything they see. There is so much pressure to teach your children as early as possible that a company has made a fortune convincing people their babies can read! (Another spoiler: They can’t. It’s memorization. Save your money. BAM! You’re welcome.) It’s a rat race to get your kids into the best preschool so they can learn what they need to know to get into the best kindergarten, which leads to of course to getting into the best college. Or not.

I put Danny into an awesome preschool. He attended for two years and we loved absolutely everything about it. During his last year there, I had mentioned to his teacher that we eventually planned on enrolling Ash. We told her we would likely start him when he was 3 and a half, about the age Danny was when he started. So keep in mind, this is the first of TWO years of preschool. (I didn’t even go to preschool…I turned out all right. That’s a joke. I am so not all right. Ask anyone.) She then told me that I should consider enrolling him in their “Tod-school” program, which she said is an important stepping stone in helping them prepare for the curriculum in their first year of preschool. I had to just laugh. Does anyone else think that sounds insane? Take a tod-school class to prepare your kid for his first year of preschool, to prepare him for his second year of preschool, to prepare him for kindergarten! WAT. I’m sure Ash would have loved it, but I really didn’t want to double the tuition payment I was already shelling out every month.

Here’s the thing. I read a book recently called “How Children Succeed” and I have to say it really resonated with me. Here’s a description from Google: Why do some children succeed while others fail? The story we usually tell about childhood and success is the one about intelligence: success comes to those who score highest on tests, from preschool admissions to SATs. But in How Children Succeed, Paul Tough argues that the qualities that matter more have to do with character: skills like perseverance, curiosity, optimism, and self-control. (http://www.amazon.com/How-Children-Succeed-Curiosity-Character/dp/0544104404)

It got me thinking about what we value in our children. Everyone brags about how much their kid knows cognitively, but we should really be looking to foster some of the emotional intelligence characteristics that turn a child into a successful, functioning member of society who is legitimately a good person. For example, your kids may know everything there is to know about colors, shapes, subtraction, the eruption of Mt. St. Helens, or NAFTA, but I feel like we should be working on more important things like empathy, perseverance and self-control. Here are some great examples:

Curiosity: This is an extremely important trait, one that I’ve written an entire post on. We need to encourage our kids to question the world around them, and not just take everything they’re given and accept it as fact. Yes, that means even questioning their parents. If you never allow your children to question you or the other authority figures in their life, how will you ever expect them to learn about the world around them?

Integrity:  Are you modeling doing the right thing, even if it’s hard and you know you won’t get credit for it? Are you teaching your children to be a good person without the promise of some ultimate payout? We should be showing our children that we should always do what’s right, regardless of the circumstances.

What about tolerance? Kids Health says “Tolerance refers to an attitude of openness and respect for the differences that exist among people.” Are you modeling this behavior yourself? Have you expressed distaste for people who are different than you? This includes different genders, those with disabilities, people from different religious backgrounds (or people who aren’t religious), people of different races and income levels. Even making small comments here and there that seem harmless to you can really resonate with children.

Does your child understand they aren’t the center of the universe?

Do they know that not everyone is as fortunate?

Are they grateful for what they have?

These three are extremely important. Kids who are handed everything with no concept of where it comes from or how fortunate they are to have it grow up to be entitled….assholes. Sorry, but there it is. We all know people who have never had to work for anything, they are completely convinced that their merits stand on their own despite their poor work ethic and complete disregard for the world around them. Please note, this does not mean telling your kids to eat their dinner because there are starving kids in Africa…that didn’t work on us when we were kids and it won’t work on them. Your kids need to know where everything they have comes from. The house, the food, the electricity, the toys….they should understand how you get the money to pay for them. Not everyone has luxuries like…oh I don’t know…a HOME. Some discussions and charitable giving or volunteer work is a great way to give your child exposure to people from different backgrounds and show them that the world doesn’t revolve around them.

What about critical thinking? Are you teaching your kids what to think, or how to think? Are you teaching them to look for alternative ways to solve existing problems, or how to handle things when they haven’t necessarily been taught exactly what to do? Math and spelling are important, but matter very little when it comes to life in the real world as an adult. It is our responsibility to teach them how to survive out there, and if we’re skipping important social conventions in favor of US History, we aren’t doing our job to prepare them for life on their own. How many young people do you know who get out on their own and don’t know how to cook or clean for themselves, or even balance a budget?

A lot of parents operate under the mantra that a child’s only job is to go to school. Because of this, they rarely get serious responsibilities that will help their kids build character. There is a reason our parents and grandparents told us that working hard builds character. It isn’t just a saying. Your kid is going to become an adult sooner than you think, and when he does, he is going to be required to focus on a hell of a lot more than just getting an education. He will need to pay bills, maintain an apartment or house, balance a checking account AND sustain healthy adult relationships…to start. Not just romantic relationships, but also professional relationships, friendships, colleagues, roommates and how to interact with society as a whole. We need to give them the tools to navigate these relationships successfully. They need to be a productive, contributing member of society, and to do this they need many more skills than those required of students in high school and college.

Children in developing countries have a lot more responsibilities than those in the United States, and they still thrive. Doing household chores, grocery shopping, taking care of younger siblings - kids thrive when they are given responsibilities. It teaches them about accountability and gives them self-esteem; it shows them that they are capable human beings who can make a difference in their life and those around them with their hard work.

It may sound overwhelming to think about even more things you have to remember to make sure you are creating a functioning member of society in the future, but again, it is paramount. The easiest way to teach these things is by modeling them yourself. Are you kind to the checkout person at the grocery store? Yes? What about the person in the parking lot asking you for gas money? We really need to look at our interactions with other humans and see what kind of example it sets for our children. If you’re constantly shouting at other drivers while in the car, or gossiping with your friends, or scoffing at people asking you for money, your child will pick up on that as the norm, and will inherit the same traits.

And honestly, do you really want to be the parent who raises that entitled, pretentious asshole? Put them to work, foster their curiosity, teach them self-control by controlling your own emotions, and maybe they’ll turn out all right. Maybe.

“We like to think we're so smart, that we have all the answers. And we want to pass that on to our children. But if you scratch beneath the surface, you won't have to dig deep to find the kid you were, which is why it's kind of crazy that we're raising kids of our own. I guess that's the real circle of life. Your parents faked their way through it. You fake your way through it. And you just hope you didn't raise a serial killer.” –Phil Dunphy, Modern Family

Steve and I consider ourselves “freethinkers”. We are raising our family in a secular household, and that means that we value logic and reason when it comes to our decision making and interactions with our kids. While in many aspects of our lives, this works beautifully, in some it really does not. To us, it only seemed right that when we have a disagreement with our kids, we use logic and reason to find a solution. Sometimes that means the kids getting what they want, and many times it doesn’t. Unfortunately, there are many situations where no matter what happens, our best attempts at logic and reason are completely steamrolled.  Picture this scenario for a moment:

You’ve just spent a long, awesome day at the water park with your kids. You had lunch, ice cold lemonade and you spent hours jumping through fountains and swimming in the wave pool, and now everyone is exhausted and ready to head home. So you load up the car and you’re off. You and your partner both heave a simultaneous sigh of relief and satisfaction. Relief because you’re totally ready to go home and relax, and satisfaction because you were a pretty damn good parent today. You spent a ton of money on admission and food and ride tickets, and instead of just sitting in a chair and making sure your kids don’t drown; you actively engaged and played with them all day. Everyone had a wonderful time, and you’re feeling pretty good about yourself. As you push the button to turn on the radio, one of your little ones speaks up and asks to stop for ice cream on the way home.

You roll your eyes - Is this kid serious? All day at the water park with all kinds of fun and treats and they want ice cream?! WHATEVER, dude.  NOT GONNA HAPPEN.  So you tell them no. Then they ask why, and you politely tell them that they had plenty of treats at the park today. More protests. Again, you are polite and tell them that you spent a lot of money today and don’t want to spend more on ice cream, and for good measure you add that everyone is tired and ready to go home. The protests get worse and louder. Ugh. At this point you are likely ready to shed this polite business and tell them off. I mean honestly, what kind of selfish kid spends the entire day at a water park and throws a complete fit when they can’t get ice cream on the way home? HOW IRRATIONAL!

At this point you could go into further explanations and remind them of all the fun they had today, and how it’s a little unfair and selfish for them to be asking for ice cream after all that (which, honestly, is a completely reasonable and sound argument. Common sense, much?). This makes the situation worse. Now, what? Do you tell them to deal with it and let them have a fit, hoping they calm down eventually and let it go? Stop and get them ice cream to avoid a headache for everyone involved? It feels like a lose-lose.

I recently read a few books that encouraged another approach, and after trying it out for several weeks now, I have to say it has worked better than any other strategy we’ve ever tried. Here’s the secret: Ditch the logic and reason. It may go against everything you’ve been trying to teach thus far, but just TRY IT.  

Here’s the thing. Kids just want to be heard. They want to feel like their wants, feelings and opinions matter.  Who could blame them? Isn’t that what everybody wants? Unfortunately, their communication skills aren’t developed enough for them to tell us this outright. They have to resort to other tactics, including yelling, crying, tantrums or straight up defiance. This can be infuriating, especially in the previous situation where you really put your all into giving this kid a great day. But young kids don’t understand that. They can’t objectively assess a situation and determine the most logical or equitable approach and react accordingly. Their emotions are still the primary drive behind their behavior, and when you consistently tell them why their complaining is so irrational, they can’t help but feel like you really don’t care about what they want or how they feel.

If you put yourself in the same situation, you may be able to sympathize. If you were feeling down, maybe you had a bad day, your boss yelled at you, or you got into an argument with your sibling, and you look to your spouse or your best friend for comfort. What if when you told them why you’re upset, they got irritated with you? Told you that they couldn’t believe you were complaining about something so ridiculous when you have such a great life. People out there don’t even have jobs, and you’re complaining because your boss yelled at you? Get over yourself. People have real problems and you are being so selfish coming to me with that! I’m here to spend time with you and have fun, and you just want to whine about your day? UGH.

How would that make you feel? Probably pretty crappy. What really would have made you feel better was “Ugh, that sounds awful. I’m sorry that happened to you! If I were you I would be upset, too. How about we go get a cup of coffee and talk about what an ass your boss is?” That would probably make you feel a lot better than the first approach. Essentially I am proposing you use that same technique when it comes to your kids. Show them that you care about their feelings, no matter how trivial or ridiculous they may seem. Believe it or not, you can make them feel better without even giving in to what they want. By simply acknowledging and validating their feelings, they will feel like you just “get it.” You understand them, and they are much less likely to continue fighting so hard.

It sounds too simple. Maybe your kid is more strong-willed than mine, and you think it will never work on them…maybe. But I am swearing by it, and it’s worth a shot. I’ve read three books in the last year confirming this as a viable strategy, and I have to agree.

For example: Danny loves playing video games. He gets an allotted “screen time” each day, and when that time is up, it’s up. We’ve had some pretty big confrontations when it’s time to get off the game. Recently, I have tried acknowledging his feelings about wanting to keep playing, and it’s worked pretty well.

Me: It’s time to get off, bud, let’s finish up this level.

Danny: No! I don’t want to get off, I want to keep playing.

Me: I know, but time’s up, and you’ve had your warnings. Now it’s time to get off.

Danny: NO! (Starts to cry) I WANT TO KEEP PLAYING! JUST LET ME!

Me: I know you don’t want to get off. You LOVE playing video games, especially this one. It’s your favorite! You want to keep playing because it’s super-duper fun!

Danny: Stops crying and starts staring at me. (This is how you know it’s working! He is feeling less emotionally overwhelmed and more intrigued because he thinks I may actually understand what he is feeling, instead of writing him off)

Me: I bet when you’re a grown up you will play video games ALL DAY LONG! You might even stay up all night and play Mario because it’s your favorite game and you love it! You HATE having to stop playing because it’s so much fun, and you think it’s not fair!

Danny: Yeah…it’s not fair. Sniff.

Me: Did you know that before I had you, your dad and I used to stay up all night and play video games? We loved all kinds and we played SO much. It was our favorite thing to do together. We still love them! Video games are the BEST!

Danny: (Gets up from game and starts walking with me) Like what games did you guys play?

SUCCESS! I didn’t even need to let him continue to play, but just acknowledging his feelings and telling him I understand how much it sucks to stop playing games, he immediately changed his attitude and became cooperative.

Another example:

The boys often argue over toys. One of them wants some stupid toy that no one’s picked up in months, and then the other wants it and they go insane. Yanking and grabbing it back and forth and shouting at each other. Yikes. Typically I would side with whoever had it first and give the toy to them, obviously causing chaos for the other one, who thought that I was just being totally unfair, in this case, Ash.

Ashton: (Runs over to me, bawling, after a huge shouting match and pushing with his brother) MOMMY! I WANTED THAT TOY. HE TOOK IT FROM ME BUT I WANTED IT!

Me: Well, didn’t Danny have it first?

Ashton: Yes…BUT I WANT IT (wails louder)..IT’S MINEEEEEE!

Me: Oh, no! You both want the same toy, but Danny got it first and now you don’t get to play with it! I’m sorry, bud! You’re crying; you must be very sad right now!

Ashton: I’M SAD BECAUSE DANNY WON’T GIVE ME THAT TOY. WAHHHHHHH.

Me: I can see that. It’s no fun when you want a toy and someone takes it. And Danny took it and that made you MAD, MAD, MAD! You are mad at Danny for taking your toy and you want it back!

Ashton: Yeah…(starts to wipe tears)

Me: You really like that toy! I saw you playing with it earlier. Toys are so fun and it’s so hard when you really want to play with it and someone else does. I would be sad, too! I’m so sorry! (Hugs) I will set a timer for five minutes, and when that time is up then it’s your turn to have the toy. While we wait, why don’t we play a board game or build with Legos?

Ashton: Okay!

I have more examples and different situations where it’s worked, but I think you get the idea. Kids have emotions just like adults do, and even the most trivial or silly ones need to be validated so they feel like they matter. Kids who feel like their parents understand them and are respectful toward their feelings form deeper connections, and thus are much more willing to cooperate, even if it means sacrificing something they really want. If your kid is super oppositional and defiant, they very likely are feeling a disconnect with you and need to feel like you’re there for them. Spend some one-on-one time with them each day, reassure them that you understand their feelings and sympathize, and you will likely see a huge improvement in your interactions with them.