Humanist Parenting: Think. Teach. Love.

I have actually found that being able to wait has become something I’ve really enjoyed learning to do. Instead of getting upset when things are going slow, I’ve adopted the practice of turning it into a game. I tickle them, “play the boob”….basically do whatever I can to get them to giggle. (FYI on “playing the boob”…it’s AMAZING. A super effective way to connect with your kids and really get them to want to cooperate with you…if you’re interested in that you should check out this link, scroll down to “Playing the boob”. http://www.barnesandnoble.com/container/kids-article.asp?pid=37452) Both me and the kids enjoy ourselves, I can stop worrying about where we have to be, and I’ve connected and bonded with them in so many ways.  Who cares if we get somewhere on time? Here’s a tip: Make your target time a half hour earlier, and perhaps you’ll get there only 15 minutes late!

2.       I have to be ready to answer a lot of questions, and sometimes they’re tough questions. Like, really tough. At least for me, anyway. Ash is only 2, (2 and a half) and even he has asked me things I really just wasn’t prepared for. He has asked lots of questions about the environment, earth science and space. I’ve answered questions about the earth’s rotation and why we have things like grass and trees. What role different animals and insects play in the grand scheme of our world…WTF. D, on the other hand, has asked me a lot of stuff about social conventions and human emotion. I’ve even got the “Where do babies come from?” question, although it was posed to me as “Where was I before I came out of your tummy?” I told him. We didn’t get as far into it as having sex and how it all works, but I bought a book explaining it, and one day I expect I’ll have the courage to open it and read it myself. Somehow I don’t think the book begins with “When a mommy and daddy love each other very much…” He has asked me why we always have to stand in lines, what it means when someone “steals your heart” and makes me explain what every single song means that he hears on the radio. I learn over and over again that listening to a Top 40 station is just not an option in my house. Every time I forget, I get to answer a question about what “Getting Lucky” means, or “Why is this guy burning up everything you love and also the ashes?” and “Why did she crash her car into a bridge?” Who the hell wants to tell a 5 year-old that relationships are complicated and they can make you do stupid stuff like lighting fires and wrecking your car?! How morbid! I am just not prepared to answer those questions, and I feel pretty confident my 5 year-old isn’t prepared for those kinds of answers. Steve and I have made a commitment not to lie to our kids (about most things anyway), so telling them something ridiculous that’s not true just so we don’t have to answer their question isn’t an option. You might say it’s…..out of the question. *Puts of sunglasses* YEAHHHHHHHHHH!

3.       Punishment. Doesn’t. Work. I don’t spank my kids, and I rarely use time outs. Point blank, I have found it about a million times easier to negotiate, listen and work together with my kids than yell, hit or shame my children into obedience. I think that people often forget that children are human beings with feelings and emotions. They aren’t dogs that can be ordered around and hit with a newspaper when they misbehave. I want my kids to question me and ask why they have to do something. I want my kids to show some backbone and stand up for themselves. I want my kids to have bodily autonomy and feel confident in the fact that they do not deserve to be touched or forced to touch someone else if they don’t want to. (We encourage respecting your body and those around you.) I want them to understand completely that ‘might doesn’t make right’, and that adults can, and do make mistakes, all the time. I want them to know that when grown-ups do make mistakes, they should apologize sincerely, as sincerely as they would to another adult. Punishment does not encourage any of these ideals.

Using violence teaches your kids to obey to avoid physical pain. Yelling teaches your kids that losing your temper is effective in communication (and it’s scary…I don’t know anyone who listens intently when another person yells at them. All I can think about is how shitty I feel and how ridiculous it is. The same goes for kids. They often remember how horrible they felt for much longer than they remember what they did to deserve the yelling.)  Time outs teach them to stuff their bad feelings down rather than work them out, simply because they are being disruptive to others. Another thing people often forget is that kids (young ones, especially) do not know how to handle strong emotions like anger and frustration. Most of them don’t even know how to handle little things like being overtired or hungry! They simply lack the cognitive ability to reason out their emotions and how to process them. Another tip: Look at tantrums as a cry for help; an unmet need. Your child is trying to communicate a feeling to you, and the only way they know how is by screaming, crying or even trying to kick or hit. Don’t allow them to hurt anyone, but show them that it’s okay to have those feelings, and to let them out safely. Did you know that crying is a GREAT way to release negative emotions? It dispels tension and anxiety – it can solve a problem all on its own, sometimes everyone just needs a good cry. Just ask Dane Cook – this is one of the best sketches I’ve ever seen. No matter how you feel about him as a comedian, this is genuinely a great sketch about the nuances of needing a good cry. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uTFBKiE18Y “I did my best!”  

Simply put, I’ve never given a time out or a spanking (a spanking, if you can call what I did a spanking, has happened maybe….twice in the last 6 years, by the way.  I’ve ALWAYS hated hitting.) and felt accomplished or effective. I felt about ten times worse, and it never solved the problem. Give yourself a time out every once in a while before you react. Breathe and remember that your kids love you, and are looking to your cues for guidance on how to behave. There’s my rant on punishment. On to some of the lighter things I’ve learned.

4.       Bedtime is one of the most important times to connect. Honestly, I don’t know what it is about bedtime. Maybe it’s because all the chaos of the day has finally died down. Maybe it’s because baby sister is in bed and the boys have my full attention, but I have never felt more connected to my kids than when I am reading them their story and having cuddle time. (The latter is especially important! DO IT!) The lights are out, we are snuggling and whispering, and we both get to decompress and talk about our day. Even more so, we get to talk about other things that they only feel comfortable discussing after lights out. Sometimes I get more information and tidbits about things happening at school, sometimes I get fun, new things that Ash wants to try at arts and crafts time the next day. Pillow talk is therapeutic and can really get your kids to open up to you and feel safe. Rushing through the bedtime routine to finally get to my “me” time really takes away some special bonding that only happens right before bed. I’ve found that starting bed time a half hour earlier allows for me to get the time in with them I need, while also having the same amount of time for myself. Honestly, I highly recommend trying it for a week. I guarantee your child’s behavior will improve, as will your relationship with them.

5.       Reconnecting with my own childhood. Legos, Candyland, Rugrats, Ninja Turtles, Sonic the Hedgehog, Lucky Charms, Memory, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Dr. Seuss oh, my! I love the nostalgia that comes along with raising kids. Some of the stuff is way different than when I was a kid, most of it is not. Kids still love playing outside, they love playing pretend and they love characters. Over time, this has not changed. Yes, there is a “screens” obsession these days that has 2 year-olds playing with apps on iPads, but the fundamental desires are still the same, I think. As a kid, I wanted nothing more than to go outside and play with sticks, climb a tree or run through the woods exploring. Pretending to be a superhero or a pirate or Buzz Lightyear. TV time and watching movies was great, but summer breaks were spent on my bike and in the woods. My kids want the same thing, and Steve and I have found more often than not that the feeling comes right back and we actually enjoy ourselves. Get outside and start using your imagination with your kids. Who cares if it’s raining and cold? Bundle up and pretend you’re in a storm on the high seas. It’s good for both of you – mentally and physically.

6.       My house will never be clean. I just read an article about being a mother and things to remember, and one that really resonated with me was this: Your house will never look like a magazine spread. This is such a hard concept for me to grasp. I am irrationally neurotic about cleaning, and it’s driven me to the brink of insanity many times. Even if I cleaned vigorously 7 days a week, my house would still never look like I want it to. Go ahead and try it. Set your kids in front of the tube for the day or send them to Grandma’s. Spend all day cleaning and feel super accomplished at the end of the day. Then bring your kids home and watch them undo every last bit of it over the course of three hours. Watch someone fling an applesauce cup on everything within a six foot radius. Watch your little guy miss the toilet completely when he goes potty. Watch Dad spill pancake mix all over the counter, and watch a kid who is adding the blueberries to said pancake mix step on one and track it across the carpet. Now ask yourself if your effort was worth it.