Humanist Parenting: Think. Teach. Love.

I recently subscribed to a parenting site and email list called Aha Parenting. They send out a "daily parenting inspiration" that gives parents advice for everyday problems and situations that arise. What I really like about this site is that it focuses on love, and how to ensure that you are being loving and compassionate while you're disciplining and teaching. It sounds really cheesy at first, but once you get past that initial eye roll, it can be really..well...eye-opening! Awhile ago I started to notice that I was letting my temper flare a lot more than was necessary over things that weren't a big deal. There were simple things that turned out to be a power struggle when they shouldn't have been. I decided to take on a mantra of letting more things go. Some things I am currently working on (and am really proud of):

• Potty accidents: There is something in him that is just not clicking. At least with number 2. He's had some poop "issues" in the past we are still recovering from. Until we get to the bottom of why it's still happening, I just don't feel right getting angry or shaming him into submission. Although I will admit, this is one of the hardest things not to get upset about, because I'm SO tired of cleaning up his messes and throwing away underwear. It's a process.
• Not eating dinner: (or any meals) We have a notoriously finicky eater. He's always been this way. I blame myself for formula feeding him, but that's another story. Either way, dinner time was a struggle. Every. Single. Night. I consulted his pediatrician who said simply: "Healthy meals - no alternatives." I've been doing pretty well on sticking to that, though it is hard sometimes when he's crying five minutes before bed and wants chicken nuggets. I've decided to let the power trip go. If he doesn't want to eat when we eat, fine. But that's all he is being offered. I'm not going to force him to eat if he doesn't want to. Dinner has been a lot less stressful since I stopped pushing him to eat.
• Doing what I say, when I say: It used to be, "Danny, clean up your toys, NOW." And he would refuse, and we would get into a big argument and eventually end up in a time out, or one of us in tears. I've learned to get more attuned to his feelings. For example, if I ask him to clean up when he's in the middle of building something, that can be very frustrating for him. I've started asking him if he wants to take a potty break now, or wait five minutes. He gets to feel like he's making his own decisions, and there's no fight when the five minutes are up! Hooray! 
• Bedtime: I used to have a strict bedtime schedule for him, never relenting, even on weekends typically. But these days, meh. It's summertime, he's got cousins and family coming in an out all day, and is enjoying himself. I used to think that Steve and I needed the few hours between his bedtime and ours to wind down, but I have since relinquished that to a more important need, and that was his need to have alone time without his little brother, and alone time with mom and dad. Plus, we have taken to having him fall asleep in our bed so we can have "pillow talk," and he can tell us about his day.
• Feelings: Typically, feelings in our oldest were almost always mirrored, or intensified, by myself mainly. If he was angry and yelling, so was I. I didn't like his attitude! He shouldn't be talking to me this way! The same goes for uncontrollable sobbing over something silly. I used to insist that he immediately stop crying. Now, I have come to realize that it's OKAY to have emotions, even strong ones like anger! What is important is that we don't act on them and become physical or violent. So now, if he wants to cry, I let him cry as long as he wants. If he wants to be angry and throw a tantrum, I let him throw his tantrum and stand aside until he's done. I make sure to acknowledge that he is sad/mad/frustrated, and that it's okay to feel that way. I don't think it's something I see immediate results from, but I do know I am setting the foundation for him to express his feelings as he grows up, instead of stifling them or bottling them up.

So I guess you could say I am working on my "emotional intelligence." It may sound like yuppie crap, but I really do feel like this is a crucial time for him to be developing, and instead of responding to his feelings with anger or embarrassment, or micromanaging his every move and trying to control the insignificant details, I am learning to be more flexible and open. I am hoping that this will build a foundation of trust and understanding between us, that I'm sure will continue well throughout his teenage years.