Archive for April 2012
Helicopter Parenting: Do You Do It?
Today I had the very fortunate opportunity of speaking to a psychologist about performing time-outs on my four year-old. I was asking her about hugging him after putting him in time out, because she was talking about mixing punishment with reward when a child misbehaves, and how it's confusing. I, being the neurotic always-wondering-how-im-screwing-up-my-kids mom that I am, asked her if this was the same concept. I explained to her that we put him in a time out for misbehaving, then when we are finished we ask him to tell us why we put him in time-out, then how he would change the behavior next time (not in so many words, mind you), and that afterwards we give him a hug and send him on his merry way. After I had described that to her, she asked "Do you want my honest opinion?" Duh.
Interestingly enough, what she told me was not what I was looking for. In fact, she didn't even answer my question. But I came away with a wealth of knowledge all the same. She said that we shouldn't be asking him to tell us what he did wrong or how he was going to fix it, because four year-old's lack the cognitive ability - not to make those sort of connections (she said they know exactly why they were put in time-out) but that they lack the cognitive ability to express that to us. She explained that this could also be the reason that when we ask him why he's done something ("Why did you push your cousin?") His responses are typically parroted from a conversation we had previously, whether it makes sense or not. Sometimes it's "Cause I didn't listen," or, and I love this one, "Because I didn't go sit on the potty." LOL.
After she told me that, I realized that she was probably right. It makes sense. Why are we expecting a four year old to not only rationalize what he did and what he would do better in the future, but to ask him to articulate it in a way we can understand? Looking at it that way, I am shaking my head at myself. Of course, he is a very bright kid and if anyone could do it, I'm sure he could, but isn't the idea of expecting this from a four year-old a little unrealistic?
But that's not the point of this post. When I was thinking about this thought, it led me to another thought: What other ways am I expecting him to behave like a reasonable, rational adult that could be troublesome? I will be the first to admit, that I typically step in if he gets in a spat with a friend or family member, I am often "right there" correcting any unwanted behavior no matter where we are, and if he starts to get frustrated (though this part I am actually working on) I typically just take over and do it for him to avoid the tears. After doing a little more research on the matter, I discovered that I have become the dreaded "Helicopter parent." This is that annoying parent who is at their children's side and involved personally in every single one of their child's experiences, whether it's warranted or not. Here is what Wikipedia told me:
"Helicopter parents are so named because, like helicopters, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach, whether their children need them or not. In Scandinavia, this phenomenon is known as curling parenthood and describes parents who attempt to sweep all obstacles out of the paths of their children. It is also called "overparenting". Parents try to resolve their child's problems, and try to stop them coming to harm by keeping them out of dangerous situations.[2][3]"
So there it is. I am a helicopter parent. The sad part is that I know all of consequences that result in my constant barging into my kids' business. They will end up completely dependent on others, never being able to fully experience things on their own. This will lead to social anxiety, insecurity, and all kinds of other bad stuff that I, as a parent, work my butt off to avoid.
This is a rather new phenomenon, I guess, where it goes as far as parents intruding on a child's decisions of where to go to college, what career to choose, where to work, and even as far as complaining to teachers and managers about their children's problems.
Luckily I was recommended a book to help me take a more relaxed approach to dealing with my obsession. It's called You Are Your Child's First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin. Going to order it as soon as possible and see what it has to say. Now that I know it's a problem, I can take the steps necessary to correct it. Yay!
Note: I feel like no matter what you do, somehow it will screw up your kid in the future. No matter what, some decision that you make with the best intentions always ends up being harmful in some way or another. Oh, he's a mama's boy? He will grow up too reliant on women. We can't do anything right! Ahhhhhh the joys of parenthood.
What about you? Are you a helicopter parent?
Interestingly enough, what she told me was not what I was looking for. In fact, she didn't even answer my question. But I came away with a wealth of knowledge all the same. She said that we shouldn't be asking him to tell us what he did wrong or how he was going to fix it, because four year-old's lack the cognitive ability - not to make those sort of connections (she said they know exactly why they were put in time-out) but that they lack the cognitive ability to express that to us. She explained that this could also be the reason that when we ask him why he's done something ("Why did you push your cousin?") His responses are typically parroted from a conversation we had previously, whether it makes sense or not. Sometimes it's "Cause I didn't listen," or, and I love this one, "Because I didn't go sit on the potty." LOL.
After she told me that, I realized that she was probably right. It makes sense. Why are we expecting a four year old to not only rationalize what he did and what he would do better in the future, but to ask him to articulate it in a way we can understand? Looking at it that way, I am shaking my head at myself. Of course, he is a very bright kid and if anyone could do it, I'm sure he could, but isn't the idea of expecting this from a four year-old a little unrealistic?
But that's not the point of this post. When I was thinking about this thought, it led me to another thought: What other ways am I expecting him to behave like a reasonable, rational adult that could be troublesome? I will be the first to admit, that I typically step in if he gets in a spat with a friend or family member, I am often "right there" correcting any unwanted behavior no matter where we are, and if he starts to get frustrated (though this part I am actually working on) I typically just take over and do it for him to avoid the tears. After doing a little more research on the matter, I discovered that I have become the dreaded "Helicopter parent." This is that annoying parent who is at their children's side and involved personally in every single one of their child's experiences, whether it's warranted or not. Here is what Wikipedia told me:
"Helicopter parents are so named because, like helicopters, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach, whether their children need them or not. In Scandinavia, this phenomenon is known as curling parenthood and describes parents who attempt to sweep all obstacles out of the paths of their children. It is also called "overparenting". Parents try to resolve their child's problems, and try to stop them coming to harm by keeping them out of dangerous situations.[2][3]"
So there it is. I am a helicopter parent. The sad part is that I know all of consequences that result in my constant barging into my kids' business. They will end up completely dependent on others, never being able to fully experience things on their own. This will lead to social anxiety, insecurity, and all kinds of other bad stuff that I, as a parent, work my butt off to avoid.
This is a rather new phenomenon, I guess, where it goes as far as parents intruding on a child's decisions of where to go to college, what career to choose, where to work, and even as far as complaining to teachers and managers about their children's problems.
Luckily I was recommended a book to help me take a more relaxed approach to dealing with my obsession. It's called You Are Your Child's First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin. Going to order it as soon as possible and see what it has to say. Now that I know it's a problem, I can take the steps necessary to correct it. Yay!
Note: I feel like no matter what you do, somehow it will screw up your kid in the future. No matter what, some decision that you make with the best intentions always ends up being harmful in some way or another. Oh, he's a mama's boy? He will grow up too reliant on women. We can't do anything right! Ahhhhhh the joys of parenthood.
What about you? Are you a helicopter parent?
