Why I Don't Have a College Fund for My Kids
I'm not paying for my kids to go to college. I refuse. I would do anything for my kids...but I won't do that. First, I should preface this whole post by saying that I am a firm believer in the power of higher education. I think it is an amazing, wonderfully enriching experience that improved my life significantly. If I could make a career going to school for the rest of my life, I would. I would be a lifetime student. I am a firm believer in the benefits of going to college. So I don't want anyone to come into this post thinking I am going to trash higher education, because I find so much value in it. I will be thrilled when any of my kids tell me they want to go to college and I will back them 100 percent. This post isn't about crapping on our higher education system, though it is not without its faults. This post is simply about why I am not putting away extra money to pay for it for my kids. I don't feel the least bit guilty about it, and here are my reasons:
1. College May
Not Be Necessary
Not all kids
will go to college. Some of them will go to trade schools, some of
them open their own business, some of them go directly into the
workforce and end up with fulfilling careers through networking or
moving up the ranks. College isn't right for everyone. Right now a
college degree is usually necessary to get a good job, but with
tuition and costs continuing to rise dramatically every decade and
putting more young people in the hole, I can't help but think maybe
we are too hasty in thinking that every kid needs to go to a
traditional, four-year college. I also think we are hitting some sort
of turning point in the post secondary education system. Kids are
leaving school with crippling debt and not finding jobs in the
industry they trained for, and if they do, they're not getting pay
that offsets the cost of their degree for several years down the
road. All in all, while I value higher education, I think that the
current system needs a complete overhaul. Costs will need to stop
increasing so dramatically, or more financial aid in the form of
grants and scholarships will need to be made available to a wider
array of students. We are already seeing kids leaving school angry
and bitter; they spend tens of thousands for the promise of a
fulfilling career and end up feeling cheated if those promises aren't
kept.
All I'm saying
is that maybe we should consider that college isn't right for
everyone, and instead of throwing money at the school and expecting a
high earning middle manager to be spit out, we consider our child's
unique personality and skills and decide together if it's the
right choice. And who knows, we may get some crazy socialist in the
white house who will make college free for my kids and it won't even
matter!
2. Kids aren't always ready for college right out of high school
Going to
college right after high school and deciding the career path you want
to take seems crazy to me. Especially if you have to make that
decision before ever entering the workforce. Even as an adult going
back to school, I was SURE that I was going to go into accounting and planned my major accordingly.
Then I took some higher level accounting courses at UW and decided
NOPE. I was bored to tears and couldn't care less about balance sheets. Subsequently, I took two extra quarters to
graduate to make up for the time I took on all those accounting classes.
As for teenagers in that situation, the odds of choosing the right
major and sticking with it are even lower. Their prefrontal cortex, which manages risk
assessment, isn't fully developed yet. They're still living with
their parents. It is a yuuuge decision to be making right out of high
school. People are putting a lot of time and a lot more money into
taking these classes, and if they screw up and choose the wrong
major, all that time and money has gone down the drain. I know
countless people who got a degree and don't work in the industry or
field they went to school for, and for a myriad of different reasons. I'm not saying they all wasted their money, not at all, (remember that I truly value the college experience as a form of personal enrichment if nothing else) I just don't want to pay $40,000 to send my kid to a good college for a year
on the possibility that they will go into accounting and make a
career out of it. These days, people are waiting longer than ever to meet the arbitrary milestones that previous generations met right after high school. That includes getting married and having kids (if they decide to at all), buying a house, and so on.
Plus, many kids
out of high school don't take college seriously because they don't
understand or care about how much is at stake, and I feel like that
is compounded when it's not their own money being spent. College is
such a new experience and there is so much to do and think about; academics and career planning may go on the back burner while they
take in everything campus life has to offer AND have the
responsibility of becoming an adult on their shoulders.
Oh my god.
This guy gets it.
Just give yourself a break, man. You deserve it.
I think going
to work for awhile before going to school gives people a dose of
reality and a real appreciation for learning. They know what the job
market is like; they know what a real employer is looking for and
what is expected of them. Quite frankly, they know that working sucks
and that you're probably not going to get the job of your dreams when
you step foot off that campus for the last time.
I think if you
put the responsibility of college tuition on your kids instead of
shouldering all of the debt yourself, they are going to make smarter
decisions about their future and really think about the career path
that is right for them. I think it's similar to buying a car or a
house. People don't take those decisions lightly. They are committing
to YEARS of payments and they want to make sure they're making the
best choice.
3. I already
pay for SO MUCH
- Preschool. Preschool
tuition for three kids for two years each! I've been paying preschool
tuition for four of the last five years, and I have two more years
ahead of me. I think preschool is really important, not just for
academics, but for socializing and getting an understanding of what
to expect when they go to kindergarten, so I pay up the rear end so
they all get that experience.
- Medical
Stuff. I'm paying $1500 for an ER visit when one of my boys had
the flu and ran a temperature of 104.7. That kid also has asthma and
requires regular inhaler prescriptions and checkups that aren't
cheap. I have to pay for vision therapy to the tune of $8400, (Read:
Eight thousand, four hundred dollars) for my other little guy due to
strabismus. I've gone through so much amoxicillan and Tylenol in the
past 4 months alone that I should probably buy stock in
pharmaceuticals. We have insurance premiums, deductibles and copays
for these kids that take a huge chunk out of our budget every month.
Oh, YOU'RE sad? That injury just cost me all my wine bar money for the next year.
- A MILLION other things
All three of my kids will likely need braces. They will need money for extracurricular activities. They regularly need new clothes and shoes, school supplies and haircuts. And TOYS. I've spent a lot of money on toys over the last 8 years, and while the number of toys reduces significantly over time, they get dramatically more expensive as the kids get older. Suddenly $20 on a Lego set doesn't seem too bad compared to $60 on a new video game. After 2, you have to buy a plane ticket for your kids, which brings me to my next reason why I don't want to pay for college:
4. I want to
take vacations.
We go to the ocean and Great Wolf Lodge every
year. We went to Orlando and hit all the theme parks there a few
months ago. I want to take them to Hawaii and New York and Washington
DC and maybe even Europe one day. I would much rather spend my money
on quality, family vacations to build lifetime memories than a boring
college fund. Maybe that's the Millennial in me; thinking for the
here and now. Oh, well. It's something I never had as a kid and
something I value greatly.
5. Location,
location, location.
We are closing on a house next month in a
really nice neighborhood in a really nice school district. We are
paying a premium to be in this neighborhood and school
district. To put it simply: Our old house had just under an acre of
land in a quiet neighborhood, and our property taxes were lower than
the 8000 square foot (read: 0.18 acre) lot we are buying just one city over. That's not
even a quarter of an acre! The same home and lot size would cost a
lot less in another local city, but we love the town and the school
district and we want the best for our kids, so we are paying for the
nice house in the good school district.
Birthdays.
All three of my kids' birthdays fall within the first four months of
the year, which means we have Christmas, and then one birthday after
another until April 2nd. Having to plan a party and buy
gifts is super expensive, but it's even worse when you have to turn
around and start on the next one immediately after one ends. I have a
friend who has a lovely home on an awesome farm, and my son loved it
so much he asked to have his birthday party there. I am considering
hitting up my friend because that sounds a hell of a lot better than
$350 for two hours at a bounce house. And you can't bring Sangria to
a bounce house. It's frowned upon.
I shudder to think what little Chloe's wedding is going to look like.
Sophia's parents bought a fucking zoo.
6. There are other things I want to buy
When my kids
grow up and start to move out, I want to spend my money on Steve and
I. I want to get regular pedicures, go on vacations and take up
expensive hobbies. I want to go out to nice dinners and do fun things
that empty-nesters do. After putting 23+ years into funneling every
moment and penny into my kids, I want to start doing things for
myself, and I would much rather spend my savings on those things than
sending the kids, ALL THREE OF THEM, off to college. I mean just
picture it: I've been pissing and moaning about six years of
preschool tuition, can you imagine up to 12 years of college
tuition?! NAH.
The bottom line
is that if these guys want to go to college, they better find a way
to pay for it themselves. Unless we happen to come upon a million
bucks unexpectedly, they better hope for a scholarship or some grants. Plus, by the
time I finally get me and Steve's student loans pay off, Danny will
be going to college. That doesn't seem fair. Sorry not sorry.
I'm not sure you heard me. I said 'Bye, Felicia.'
If you have a college fund for your kids, that's great. I applaud your willingness to invest in their future and allow them to live comfortably; I'm not judging by any means. I wrote this blog to explain why I don't have one for mine, and why as parents, we shouldn't feel guilty about that. We provide so much for the first 18 years of life, after that it's okay to be a little selfish.
Why Millennial Parents Just Might be the Best Ones Yet
As a Millennial,
I am offended by this.
See what I did
there….
I am certainly
amused and a little irritated by it though. Millennials are being touted as
entitled because we demand fairness. We are called lazy because we have a world
of information at our fingertips and use it to solve problems quickly and
efficiently. Millennials are called narcissists because we take selfies and
enjoy sharing our lives on social media. Are you kidding me? Are Millennials
the first generation to take pictures of themselves, or is it maybe because we
now have a multifunctioning camera with us at all times, as well as hundreds of
followers who like looking at our face? Remember when people used to sit in the
same position for hours and hours to get their portrait painted? And we are the
narcissists? Riiiight.
Millennials
went to college as tuition rates skyrocketed and wages stayed stagnant. Forbes
magazine says, “Since
1985, the overall consumer price index has risen 115% while the college
education inflation rate has risen nearly 500%. According to Gordon Wadsworth,
author of The College Trap, “…if the cost of
college tuition was $10,000 in 1986, it would now cost the same student over
$21,500 if education had increased as much as the average inflation rate but instead education is $59,800 or over 2
½ times the inflation rate.” (Emphasis
mine)
So
when people tell us that we are entitled or 'just want a handout' when we ask
for cheaper, or god forbid, free college tuition, it really grinds my
gears. Students these days are leaving college with an average of $30,000 in
student loan debt. Debt that follows us for life. Debt that can't be charged
off in bankruptcy, debt that will garnish our wages should we ever decide to
stop paying it. Large sums of debt that
students just did not need to take out 30 years ago because tuition prices
weren't astronomical like they are now.
Not
to mention, because we joined the labor force during the “Great Recession”, we
are in the most competitive job market in decades and the expensive degree is
no longer a guarantee of a job like we were led to believe. Even though having
a degree increases your earning potential quite a bit over a lifetime, it has
now become equivalent to having high school diploma 20 years ago. You need one
just to get in the door at most good jobs. Try to complain about it, and listen
to baby boomers tell how they just “hit the pavement” to find a job. Sure,
we'll just walk down Main Street and ask for a job at Hooper's Store, or
Macintosh's Fruit and Vegetable Stand. (A+ if you get the reference) Just be
like “Hey are you hiring?” Let the manager look you up and down and he'll be
like “You look like a fine, outstanding young man, I think you'll do.” (A++ if
you get that reference) and BOOM! You're making $60,000 a year and you'll get
that debt paid off in no time and then you'll be ready to buy a house and start
a family!
Which
brings me to another point: Millennials get shit for not buying homes and cars
like previous generations have, instead choosing to spend our money on food,
smartphones and electronics. As The Atlantic's snarky piece “The Cheapest
Generation” points out, “Since World War II, new cars and suburban
houses have powered the economy and propelled recoveries. Millennials may have
lost interest in both.” How could that be? What on earth would possess
a young person to choose public transportation, bicycling, zip cars and Ubers
over wheeling and dealing with slimy car salesmen for a $30,000 (on average) piece
of metal that starts losing value the second it's driven off the lot? Why would
they balk at car payments, insurance costs, tabs/registration fees, and gas
prices, oil changes, parking fees and regular repairs and maintenance? Don't
they care about the economy?!?! Why would they choose to keep another car off
the road that pollutes the environment, increases already gridlocked traffic,
is one of the top causes of serious injury and death and most importantly,
requires you to STOP looking at your phone for extended periods of time?!?!
Are
we really that cheap, or did we just emerge from a generation that aggressively
bought things they couldn't afford, didn't really need, and paid dearly for it
when it was time to collect? Millennials watched their parents lose it all when
the housing market collapsed, unemployment soared and home values plummeted. They
watched their parents lose their jobs, go into foreclosure on their homes and
default on their credit card payments. At the very least, they came away with a
sense that the American dream wasn't what it once was, or even what they were
told. Now that things have started to stabilize since the recession, we have
found that mortgages are very difficult to get and not necessarily worth it
when we're leaving school with an entry-level job that pays $15 an hour and a
shit ton of debt we aren't sure how we are going to pay back. Mortgage
companies are more stringent with their loans than ever (over-correcting, it
seems, from the sketchy lending they were doing a decade ago.) and wages aren't
even increasing with inflation, so it's costing us more money and we are
getting less for it. Yooooooooo! Sign me up!
"Ninja, please!"
2006 was the golden age of mortgage lenders.
2006 was the golden age of mortgage lenders.
Now,
we are establishing ourselves in the labor market, starting to settle down and
becoming parents. 60
million millennials will become parents over the next decade. We are surpassing
baby boomers as the largest population demographic in the country. We're here!
[Some of us] are queer! Get used to it! And we're having babies! I say we,
because obviously I am one of the Millennials who is having babies. More
specifically, had babies. I got
started on my family quite a bit earlier than most of my Millennial
counterparts thanks to the Hayes Super SpermTM, but I am a Millennial
parent nonetheless, and I can tell you that we, as a whole, are doing a pretty
damn good job. We may just be the best generation of parents ever, and here's
why:
1.
We are determined not to make the
mistakes our parents made.
Because we
grew up over-scheduled, special snowflakes with an expectation of achievement
we weren't sure we could actually live up to, we aren't going to put those
responsibilities and labels on our kids, and hopefully avoid the anxiety and
crippling fear of failure that comes along with them. Today's Millennials
remember being shuttled from piano, to soccer, to scheduled playdates and
recitals, to Costco, birthday parties and beyond all in one Saturday. We see
and feel the damage that causes, and will not do it to our own kids. Millennials
know that kids thrive when they are allowed abundant unstructured, pretend play
that fosters creativity and makes kids responsible for their own fun. While our
parents certainly had our best interests at heart, it wasn’t necessarily the
best way to raise a child.
We also now
know that while every kid really is a
special snowflake, they all can't be praised for the same things and in the
same way. We know that instead of telling our kids they are geniuses, we tell
them that their good grades show just how hard of a worker they are, so they
place their intrinsic value on hard work and not on innate abilities. We know
that kids develop a much stronger and more sustainable sense of self-esteem if
you praise their work ethic rather than their intelligence or skill.
We give our
kids agency, and run our households more like a democracy than a dictatorship.
Millennials just believe in treating their children like little humans with
their own feelings, thoughts and ideas. We offer them choices, reason with
them, and offer guidance, but ultimately let our kids make their own choices
and deal with the consequences, good or bad. We don't want them growing up with
an inherent fear of authority figures and desire to comply. We want them to be
respectful of others and their superiors in their life, but we encourage them
speak up if they disagree with something and take responsibility for
themselves.
2.
We are progressive liberals.
Much to the
chagrin of anyone who supports Donald Trump or Ted Cruz in the upcoming
election, as a whole, Millennials are increasingly liberal. Aside from the
great red/blue political divide that seemingly puts all of us on opposite sides
of each other, this is actually really good for our society. Millennials are
more accepting of those who are different than they are especially marginalized
groups, minorities and people of different income levels. Millennials have the
highest levels of empathy and compassion of any previous generation. They
support LGBT rights, they fight against racism, misogyny and income inequality
and they do not support war or political aggression they deem unnecessary.
Millennials know that embracing people from all different walks of life
improves the quality of life for all Americans and helps us grow as people.
Face it, old white dudes aren't going to run this world for very much longer,
and Millennials know that equality isn't just the right thing to do, it's a
good business strategy. There's a reason that zealots and evangelicals and racists are screaming so loud. They know
their support is wavering and that public opinion of their ideologies is
declining. They're shouting the loudest because their old ways of oppressing
everyone but other white dudes isn't gonna fly. It's the wail of a dying man. A
dying white man.
National debt
in the trillions, an endless war we still seem to be fighting, a disappearing
middle class, black lives being devalued, women being blamed for their own
rapes, children starving in one of the richest countries in the world and you
think selfies and ‘the gays’ are ruining this country? Fuck you, Helen. Fight
me.
3.
We are painfully optimistic
Despite the
terrifying financial climate we grew up in and the seemingly rigged political
climate that we are now a part of, Millennials still believe the best days are
ahead. Bentley University says, “Research studies consistently find millennials, ranging in
age from 14 to 34, to be inexplicably positive despite facing higher levels of
student loan debt, poverty and unemployment, and lower levels of wealth and
personal income than any other generation in the modern era.” Despite the fact that the baby boomers (the “best
generation”) consumed and almost depleted every single resource they could get
their hands on, despite that we will likely be retiring without a social
security or Medicare system that we have paid into since entering the
workforce, despite that we are the lowest paid demographic, we are still
positive! Maybe it's the fiery passion and idealism that comes with
being young, but we Millennials feel pretty damn excited about the future, and
optimism is what helps power social change and can bridge gaps between what is dreamed
and what is possible. We are changing the world, and we are going to pass that
optimism and positivity on to our children, who are also going to go on and do
great things. It's the circle of liiiiiiiiiiife! Yaaaaas!
4.
We are the most educated
generation....like....ever.
We know stuff.
We're smart. We have many leather bound books. We grew up in the digital age
and we now know how to harness a wealth of information right at our fingertips.
I promise, we'll only use our fingertip powers for good! Except for maybe
Tinder. I wouldn't know because as I said, I left the dating game long before
many in my generation were even thinking about putting a ring on it. Tinder
could be a sophisticated place with reasoned choosing of mates and intellectual
banter…I really don't know, but man, am I glad to be out of the game! Right now
I'm blogging in my Gryffindor hoodie and yoga pants, watching Making a Murderer
and eating goldfish crackers and drinking Sprite Zero LIKE A BOSS, so basically
my ideal night, and somehow Steve still finds that attractive! You know what a
hard sell that would be on Tinder?!
Haha swipe
left, amirite fellow young people? Haha lol :P :P! Netflix and chill!
Bae!
Anyway, in
addition to holding the world's information in our pockets, we are apt problem
solvers and use that information to solve problems with the least amount of
work involved. That's not laziness, it is efficiency. We also have the highest
number of college graduates of any generation, with over half of them being
women! Yaaaas queen! Get it! Educated parents raise children who achieve more,
are more successful in their occupations and are inherently less aggressive and
violent.
5.
We value ethics and sustainability
over profits
Millennials
hold businesses to a higher standard than their parents and grandparents did.
They don't just look for the lowest price; they are looking for companies that
have pledged to run their business sustainably and ethically. Millennials grew
up in a time where scientists were telling them that climate change was ruining
our planet, and that humans were in fact directly responsible for accelerating
that process by wasteful consumption. They were told to “go green” to save
money and the environment, and while many companies only jumped on the green
bandwagon to make more money and appeal to their demographic, Millennials are
taking that advice to heart. They know this is the only planet we have, and
pledge to treat it better than previous generations. I am a little cynical
whenever I hear a baby boomer talk about environmental issues. As a matter of
fact, at the vacation house we recently stayed at, there was a sign that said “Please
help us protect the environment by turning off the AC when you leave house” and
a part of me was just like, “Do you really mean that, or are you just trying to
appeal to us by using buzzwords so you can save money on your electricity bill?”
Millennials have said they will spend more on a product if they know the
company is running their business ethically. They are looking for
environmentally responsible companies who won't use every resource and
cost-cutting method just to improve their bottom line. Millennials also value a
company that is socially responsible; they won't give their business to
companies that exploit their employees and trade partners for profits, as
demonstrated with widespread boycott and scorn toward Walmart. They demand that
employees earn a living wage and get treated fairly. They want employees to
have good health insurance and acceptable working conditions.
A Civics lesson from a slaver. Hey neighbor
Your debts are paid cuz you don't pay for labor
'We plant seeds in the south. We create'
Yeah keep ranting.
Millennials
also value community and shopping locally. They know that large corporations
don't always have their best interests at heart, and can see that stimulating
the local economy benefits their community as a whole, even if that means
higher prices and less convenience. That said, they are still fiercely loyal to
some of the cutting edge companies they grew up with that offer the best
services, like Amazon, even though Amazon has become quite the corporate giant itself,
gentrifying local neighborhoods and muscling smaller competition out of the
market. Free 2 day shipping? Drones dropping off packages at our house?
Streaming of movies and shows on all our devices for one low price?
Yaaaaaaaas! Oh, you say Amazon is becoming
the Walmart of book sellers and working their employees to the bone (albeit
paying them well)? Yikes. That's a problem for us to worry about later, after
we get through Season 4 of Downton Abbey.
Dowager Countess is my spirit animal.
We aren't
perfect. We are admittedly distracted by all this technology and perhaps our
kids won't thank us later for broadcasting their entire lives, from their first
poop in the potty to their first awkward date, out to hundreds of others on
social media. But armed with a desire to overcome the shortcomings of the past
to create a brighter and happier future by using all the tools that technology
and globalization has to offer, I think we are gonna do all right. And so will
our kids.
Why You Need to Talk to Your Kids About Race (Especially if You're White)
Parents, you need to talk to your kids about race. In this post, I am going to give you some ideas on how to get started. Honestly, this may be one of the toughest blog posts I have ever written. It
is especially heavy to me because of the current social unrest over the tragic deaths
of Freddie Gray, Eric Garner, John Crawford III, Michael Brown, Jr., Tamir Rice, and most recently, the mysterious death of Sandra Bland while in police
custody after an altercation with a police officer over a traffic violation. All of the aforementioned people are black. Like it or not, race is a hot button issue in our country, and it's time we stepped up as a nation and stopped pretending like it doesn't exist or sweeping it under the rug.
Because I want to give you the most accurate data possible, I
spend a lot of time doing research for each of my posts. Of course I include
many of my own opinions as well, but this post has taken quite a bit more
research than what I’ve gathered for most of my other content-heavy topics. I've been following the cases above nonstop over the last year. I've dug up as much information as I can. This
is one of the most serious and sensitive topics I've ever delved into, and it's one I am deeply passionate about. Learning about race is difficult. Teaching about race is even harder. Couple that with the fact that I am white, and it can be a recipe for disaster.
"It's everywhere you want to be."
I will be the first to admit that everything I explain here comes
from the vantage point of an upper-middle class, highly privileged white woman.
I have no anecdotal evidence on anything but being a white person looking at it
from the outside. I won't ever pretend to understand what other races go
through on a daily basis in this country, but I am hoping to share some facts
and data I’ve found that will shed some light on it that you can in turn use to
talk to your kids about.
And Spongebob seems to have neither of those things.
The fact of the matter is that most people are afraid to talk
about race. White people, especially. It is such a taboo subject; really
intimidating. Instead we sweep it under the rug, and pretend like it doesn't
exist. Then when our kid brings it up and asks a question about it, we are appalled
and immediately shush them, especially if it’s in public. I know many parents
(myself included) who would be horrified if their child loudly exclaimed something
about another race in public. In fact, a
few weeks ago I was at Target with the kids and there were two Asian women
behind us, talking. I wasn’t really listening or paying attention to them, but
I did notice as I was half listening that they were not speaking English. And
apparently Ash noticed, too, because he loudly said “WHY DO SOME PEOPLE SPEAK
SPANISH, MOM?” And I just went beet red. That is a totally harmless question,
aside from the fact that he erroneously guessed the language they were
speaking. And yet the fact that he pointed out that they were different than us
and were speaking a different language had me totally mortified. Why? Would it
have been the same if he asked me why some people have blonde hair? Absolutely
not. Then I could easily go into a talk about DNA and dominant and recessive
genes (because I would totally teach my four year-old that shit…shut up)
without hesitation. But when it has anything to do with race or racial
differences, I clam up.
Yeah yeah, cute kid. But does he know The
air-speed velocity of an
unladen swallow?
There is a big problem with white parents not talking about race
with their kids. Many of us think, hey, if we aren't outwardly racist and don't
say or do things that would paint other races in a negative light, then we
should be fine. Kids learn racism from imitation, from the way we talk and act
toward others, right? Many people have mistakenly decided to adopt a stance of
color-blindness as a way to combat racism. If we pretend like we are all equal
and the same, then we pretty much are! We are all on an equal footing, so there
is no reason for anyone to feel singled out, and no prejudice, right? The thing
is, we are not all on an equal
footing. Whether you believe it or not, minorities, especially black
people, are at a distinct disadvantage in many aspects of "life, liberty
and the pursuit of happiness."
If you think that color-blindness or avoidance of race will
instill tolerance in your kids, consider this: Kids stick with their own
ethnicity and develop racial biases even without words or actions from their
parents. In one study, 3 year-olds were given a stack of cards with people on
them, and asked to sort them into two piles, however they wish. 68% of the kids
used race to split the pile, without any prompting whatsoever. They had already
learned them as two dichotomies and sorted them accordingly. In another study,
most showed racial preferences at as young as 30 months. That's two and a half
years old! So while you may think that calling attention to different skin
colors will make them notice it more, the truth is that they notice it no
matter what, and it’s our job to supplement that noticing with knowledge and
empathy.
By the way, I have an inherent issue with the term
“color-blindness.” It’s the same issue I take with people who scoff at the word
feminism and call themselves “egalitarians.” When you refuse to acknowledge a
sect of our population that is being oppressed in favor of saying that everyone
is oppressed in some way, or that everyone is the same, you are being ignorant
and disrespectful. We can’t operate on a baseline assumption that we are all treated
the same; that’s a false assumption. We have to acknowledge other races and the
inequalities that they face, just like we have to acknowledge the inequalities
that women face. When black people are telling you that they are facing some
serious prejudice and racism as a people, and hold signs and tweet that “Black
lives matter” to call attention to the problem, and you completely ignore their
point and retort “ALL lives matter!” you’re being kind of an asshole.
Institutionalized racism exists in this country, and it’s a huge
problem. If you think otherwise, you are delusional. We have to start asking
ourselves why we value white people’s lives more than other races, and what we
can do to stop it. And now we come back around to our point: One way to combat
racism is talking to your kids about race!
So how can we go about tackling this touchy subject while being as
candid as possible? Turns out there are some pretty solid strategies out there.
The first and best way to approach it is simply to open the lines
of communication. Even if you don’t have a script or know exactly what to say,
you need to bring it up, and more than once. You also need to make sure that
you have meaningful dialogue; don’t just mention it in passing. It won’t do for
you to simply say “You know, we are all the same on the inside, so we should
accept all people. Don’t be a racist, mmkay?” That’s not enough! You should
really try to engage them in discussion because that’s where they are going to
start forming their own opinions based on the evidence they are given.
Kristina Olson, a University of Washington
psychologist, said “Don’t you want to be
the one to suggest to them—early on, before they do form those
preconceptions—something positive [about other races] rather than let them pick
up something negative?” That’s a great strategy, and one I use for several
topics with my kids including teaching them about different religions, issues
with LGBTQ rights, income inequality, sexism and more.
"And that’s why, Timmy, we are living in a racist, sexist, capitalistic society that promotes business over people, every man for himself, and giving more rights to blobs of cells than to human beings."
Any questions? Wait, why are crying?!"
If you’re having trouble getting the conversation rolling, a great
place to start is to sit down and watch a show or movie with them, play a video
game, or flip through a magazine. (Flip through a magazine…do people even still
do that? I do it at the nail salon sometimes.) I have advocated watching media
with your kids in a few of my other posts, and that’s because it is so damn
valuable for teaching your kids and having meaningful discussions. The amount
and type of media kids consume can do a lot of indirect teaching about societal
norms, and you are their primary interceptor for that. You can be the
gatekeeper who decides if they accept it blindly, or if they need direction or
clarification. This is especially important if they are watching stuff with
more mature themes in it, like violence or sex. And allowing your kid to see
part of that (even very mild mature themes) and talking about what they mean makes
you pretty flippin’ cool.
My own example: My kids like watching music videos on Youtube, and
one of the songs they love (thanks to my brother) is “Anna Sun” by Walk the
Moon.
But after watching it with them a few times, something hit me.
That video is literally filled with white people. Almost completely, 100% white
people! Now for some videos that wouldn’t be a problem depending on how many
people are in the video, but the singer walks through this huge ‘80s party,
with several rooms full of people, does a choreographed number with about 12
other people, and then rounds up a bunch of his friends for some sort of tribal
(boho?) jam session in an empty field. (Cultural appropriation, too? Oh this
just keeps getting better!) And yet, pretty much only white people! There could
be a number of reasons for this disparity, but that was definitely a
conversation starter. Why are there so many white people in this music video?!
The beauty of these conversations is that there have been studies
where they really have improved racial attitudes in children. The same thing
happened in a recent study of children who read the Harry Potter book series.
The study found that after reading the series, the kids were more empathetic
and less prejudiced toward minority groups.
I don’t need another reason to read the Harry Potter books with my
kids, to be honest. I live and breathe Harry Potter. My home is filled with
Harry Potter themed décor and I don’t give a shit if you like it or not because
my Harry Potter is all up in your face, all the time. Still, this is a great
reason to pick up those books and give ‘em a read with your kids.
Look at those bad-asses. Sass game: Strong
Another way I have brought up the idea of race with my kids is
talking about current events. As I’m sure you well know, several highly
publicized killings of young black men (and some very suspicious deaths of some
women) by police officers has sparked a national debate about whether or not
blacks are treated poorly by police (they are), and if police are let off the
hook too easily for gravely overstepping their bounds when interacting with
civilians (they are). If a racist ass-cactus like Donald Trump says that a
police officer acted too aggressively toward a black woman at a traffic stop,
maybe we actually have a problem.
Anyone want to kiss this disgusting sack of shit?
So back to ‘the talk’. I very simply told my kids on the way home
from school one day that I was particularly troubled by all of the young black people
who are dying at the hands of police officers. Why would white people, who are
caught on camera acting belligerently toward police, get off with a warning or
get left alone, when a black person is likely to be shot for simply being
confrontational as their white counterparts do? Why is it when white kids
misbehave, they are being “rowdy”, but when black kids do, they are considered “thugs”?
This sort of discussion may seem heavy for your kids, and it’s
probably not right for reeeally young children, but my oldest is 7, and with
the conversations that we have, I know he is mature enough to hear it and offer
his opinion. And that is how simple you can make it; just ask them what they
think. If they really aren’t interested in the conversation, don’t push it too
aggressively. The last thing you want to do is push them away. And try not to lecture
or force them around to your way of thinking. I said “You know, a lot of people
think that black people are treated differently just because of the color of
their skin. What do you think of that? Do you think it’s right to treat someone
different because of how they look, or what skin color they have?” Listening to
their answers will give you some insight on the decision making and thought
patterns inside their heads, and you can offer them alternative perspectives to
help them in that process.
"You know, I don't have a problem with heterosexuals, I just wish they weren't so
'up in your face' about it."
Lastly, if you can, you should try to surround yourself with a
diverse group of friends. It doesn’t help when our friends and neighbors are
all the same race as we are, and the only people we spend time with are white. When
white kids are surrounded by nothing but white people throughout their lives, they
quickly assimilate into that group and tend to stick with it even throughout
high school and college. So while your words may say that we should all be
treated equally and that we are all the same on the inside, if they have grown
up around nothing but white people and haven't been able to forge any
relationships with other races, nor seen you forging any, they are likely to
remain that way. Please note, this does not mean you go out and find a “token
black friend” and attach yourself to them. Try to forge new friendships
organically, and encourage your kids to do the same. Then you can take the
opportunity to talk about the different friends you have, their races, how they
are different and how they are the same.
More importantly, don’t discourage honest questioning about the
topic from your kids, embrace it and try to work with them to figure it out. We
shouldn't be afraid to say "black", or feel uncomfortable and shush
our child when he asks questions about why some people have different skin
colors or features. In fact, it’s important to note that all of humankind
evolved from our ancestors in Africa, and early in our evolution we all had
dark skin before moving to new places where we did not need dark skin to
protect us from the sun all the time! We all came from the same early ancestors
and no particular race from the human species evolved more or better than
others. Race, like gender, is nothing but a social construct used to categorize
people based on culture, tradition and location.
We want kids to point out things that are different and think
critically, that's how they learn! If you don’t acknowledge that there is a
difference between white and black, then you are leaving it up to them to
navigate that complex issue and figure it out themselves, and that can be
marred with a bad experience or even one negative interaction. Think
about what went through your head when you were deciding what to name your
child. Chances are, if you came across a name of someone you didn’t like, even
in the distant past, you probably skipped that name without much thought. That
one asshole left a bad taste in your mouth and permanently ruined that name for
you. What a dick.
Don’t let that happen to your kids. Don’t let them have a
confrontation with someone from another race and automatically just that
confrontation to fuel a prejudice against all people from that race. White people have done some ugly things to minorities to maintain their status at the top, and it's our responsibility to teach the next generation to be better.
Note: if you want some awesome, fast ideas on teaching your kids about diversity, check out this page: http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/parenting/school-age/10-ways-to-teach-kids-about-diversity
Sources:
http://www.upworthy.com/think-racism-isn-t-an-issue-anymore-oh-have-i-got-an-infographic-for-you-css
http://blog.world-mysteries.com/science/how-many-major-races-are-there-in-the-world/http://parentingbeyondbelief.com/parents/?p=215
http://www.buzzfeed.com/nicholasquah/heres-a-timeline-of-unarmed-black-men-killed-by-police-over#.qdxV3NrZB
